Listen. You don't have to wear a suit to demonstrate your power... but it certainly helps. funny that even drag queens realize that.
Friday, December 07, 2007
Wednesday, December 05, 2007
It's amazing how much you can hate someone.
El Diablo. Strikes again. I live with brez now, and today I finished work, then came back to the apt picked up his mac... looked at facebook, and found an email from his ex in his inbox.
Alright, I could have logged off and then logged back in as myself, but we have alot of the same friends, and i wanted to see what people had written to my bro on his birthday... so i didn't.
I fucking hate her. It blows me away how much I really hate her. She is probably the only person in the world that i would openly contemplate whacking. How sad is that?
It's not like I think brez was doing anything suspect with her, but that doesn't even matter. I am heinous. Incredibly jealous. I try really hard to keep it together, but I think because I was maybe a bit conniving in my past dealings with guys and their sig others, i know what chicks think, thus i want to avoid any possible issues.
Fuck. Another girl... grimy formerly had some "interaction" with brez, she was my friend, and I didn't know about anything. We were not together, so I didn't think it mattered. Then, I invited her to my bday shindig... which ended up being a surprise engagement announcement. She saw the ring, and instantly i understood that everything was not over for her.
Her eyes glazed over with the same intense hatred that i feel for El Diablo, which made it that much easier for me to pick up... and she says... "Well, I knew that you two were dating, but no one expected it to last... we all thought you were his rebound chick." With animalistic precision, my claws were out. Fight or flight hit, and I wanted nothing less than her head in the Potomac.
I kept myself together, tried not to get catty, and remembered that people were there because they liked me... not her. A little solace in the girl world.
In the end, it wasn't because i could picture her kissing my man... but because I knew that she still wanted to. It is because when it all comes down to the real truth of things... i love him, and for once, i really care, I'm uncharacteristically vulnerable. Frankly it bugs the shit out of me.
Tuesday, October 23, 2007
btw. I'm engaged to brez. did i say that? I love him, and I'm happy, just (notsurprisingly) super stressed about the whole thing.
I'm in a new job. I like it, and I think I'll be really good at it one day, but for now, I'm getting alot of... are you right out of college? riiiight. I want to scream. Its fine.
My mother has apparently given up all rights to helping with wedding planning, so I'm left to it. my friend found out I had gone dress shopping alone, and called me a freak?
I know I said that already, but damn. its just a dresss. I do alot of things alone, so why not that? Funnily enough, I'm so used to it, alone feels normal, and with people seems strange. But I'm okay with that, it just seeems that everyone else is not. Not sure why.
Junk like girlie bonding just isn't my thing. There is so much pressure, judging, commentary. I never have, never will, really understood it.
This is the stuff that weddings are made of. Which reminds me of why I wanted to avoid marriage, or elope, if at all.
meanwhile. back to work. just don't move your neck.
I'm in a new job. I like it, and I think I'll be really good at it one day, but for now, I'm getting alot of... are you right out of college? riiiight. I want to scream. Its fine.
My mother has apparently given up all rights to helping with wedding planning, so I'm left to it. my friend found out I had gone dress shopping alone, and called me a freak?
I know I said that already, but damn. its just a dresss. I do alot of things alone, so why not that? Funnily enough, I'm so used to it, alone feels normal, and with people seems strange. But I'm okay with that, it just seeems that everyone else is not. Not sure why.
Junk like girlie bonding just isn't my thing. There is so much pressure, judging, commentary. I never have, never will, really understood it.
This is the stuff that weddings are made of. Which reminds me of why I wanted to avoid marriage, or elope, if at all.
meanwhile. back to work. just don't move your neck.
WTF?
Apparently I am crappy at having friends. My girls are all mad at me for some reason about the dress, and think I’m a freak for going alone. I knew they were all busy, so I did what I had to do I guess. Plus, they don’t have cars, so to shop by me, they would have had to take the metro from silver spring to branch, and then I would have had to pick them up and drive back then drive them back. Wtf? That is a lot of hassle just to have people watch me put on a bunch of dresses. And… I’m just a little bit stressed right now, so any spare moment is going towards whatever I can squeeze out of my brain. Brez keeps calling me with new apts and houses to look at, I missed tib’s shower, and I’m doing a new job that is crazy hard. And last night I slept strangely so now I want to cry everytime I move my neck.
So. Am I a weirdo?
So. Am I a weirdo?
Wednesday, August 08, 2007
Update, rant, and future
First, I've lost 25lbs. Way to go me. Brez has lost more, and looks fantastic. Actually both of us look pretty damn good. Yea for that.
I went to Virgin Fest, it was fan-f-ing-tastic. Even in the sweltering heat and the continuous downpour, I had a blast. It did however serve as a tool of confirmation of my aged status. I am a 40yr old. I happily sat on a blanket in the back and grooved, then for a few of the more benign shows I migrated to the front and half-danced.
Funnily enough I still enjoyed myself, regardless of the fact that in the past I would have been moshing with the best of them. Now, I can't afford to get hurt, don't want to deal with illegal substances floating about if I can avoid them, and just generally am there for the music and nothing else. Sad, but true. The asian doesn't feel old, she maintains that I had to make a drastic leap from punky-college kid to responsible suit-wearing-serious-job worker, thus causing me to mourn the demise of lost punk. She is totally right. I wish I could go back to responsibility free living, I had no idea what awesome opportunity to screw up I was presented with! Damn. Damn. Damn.
Damn that lost opportunity to be a crack-head. Damn the possibility to be a pro-athlete, a cop, a pilot, or even a weather girl. Shot. All those childish hopes and dreams that one day I could grow up to be so many things. I think in the end I knew I would turn out like this, mourning my former-self and reveling in the crazy/cool things I did actually do. Mistakes were common, and people were fleeting. It happens. I suppose I'll move on, and try to be the most successful adult I can be.
I'm still in negotiations with my future employer, they are bitches, and I'm contemplating walking from the offer. I have waited this long for something mildly workable, and now I'm just nearing fury and resentment at the BS that has been this process. I wonder now, if I can commit to years of employment with people that are possibly retarded, and at least severely lacking in foresight. Then upon continued reflection, I remember that:
"Those who are going to be in business tomorrow are those who understand that the future, as always, belongs to the brave."
William Bernbach
In theory, if I am brave enough to deal with the excessive amounts of crap now... I'll win out in the future. That's the theory anyway.
I went to Virgin Fest, it was fan-f-ing-tastic. Even in the sweltering heat and the continuous downpour, I had a blast. It did however serve as a tool of confirmation of my aged status. I am a 40yr old. I happily sat on a blanket in the back and grooved, then for a few of the more benign shows I migrated to the front and half-danced.
Funnily enough I still enjoyed myself, regardless of the fact that in the past I would have been moshing with the best of them. Now, I can't afford to get hurt, don't want to deal with illegal substances floating about if I can avoid them, and just generally am there for the music and nothing else. Sad, but true. The asian doesn't feel old, she maintains that I had to make a drastic leap from punky-college kid to responsible suit-wearing-serious-job worker, thus causing me to mourn the demise of lost punk. She is totally right. I wish I could go back to responsibility free living, I had no idea what awesome opportunity to screw up I was presented with! Damn. Damn. Damn.
Damn that lost opportunity to be a crack-head. Damn the possibility to be a pro-athlete, a cop, a pilot, or even a weather girl. Shot. All those childish hopes and dreams that one day I could grow up to be so many things. I think in the end I knew I would turn out like this, mourning my former-self and reveling in the crazy/cool things I did actually do. Mistakes were common, and people were fleeting. It happens. I suppose I'll move on, and try to be the most successful adult I can be.
I'm still in negotiations with my future employer, they are bitches, and I'm contemplating walking from the offer. I have waited this long for something mildly workable, and now I'm just nearing fury and resentment at the BS that has been this process. I wonder now, if I can commit to years of employment with people that are possibly retarded, and at least severely lacking in foresight. Then upon continued reflection, I remember that:
"Those who are going to be in business tomorrow are those who understand that the future, as always, belongs to the brave."
William Bernbach
In theory, if I am brave enough to deal with the excessive amounts of crap now... I'll win out in the future. That's the theory anyway.
Monday, July 23, 2007
Norman Borlaug VS Albert Gore
At a time when doom-sayers were hopping around saying everyone was going to starve, Norman was working. He moved to Mexico and lived among the people there until he figured out how to improve the output of the farmers. So that saved a million lives.
The he packed up his family and moved to India, where in spite of a war with Pakistan, he managed to introduce new wheat strains that quadrupled their food output. So that saved another million.
You get it? But he wasn't done. He did the same thing with a new rice in China. He's doing the same thing in Africa -- as much of Africa as he's allowed to visit.
When he won the Nobel Prize in 1970, they said he had saved a billion people. That's BILLION! Carl Sagan BILLION with a B! And most of them were a different race from him.
Norman is the greatest human being, and you probably never heard of him.
-- Penn Jillette, of the comedy team Penn and Teller
If there's one thread running through Borlaug's life it's doing -- acting with fierce determination. Working on a problem as fundamental as world hunger is a complicated business, and Borlaug is a complicated man, somehow balancing contradictions.
He is the scientist and the dirt farmer; the advocate of common sense and the master of political subtleties; the humanitarian and the pugnacious fighter; the idealist and the consultant to governments of every political ideology. He has been called a peaceful revolutionary, and the tension in that term - between benevolence and aggressiveness - seems particularly apt.
- From the University of Minnesota College of Agriculture, Food and Environmental Science
Norman Borlaug is credited with actually saving a billion lives from starvation. He is an advocate of increasing crop yields to stop deforestation, has benefited many multiple nations, and has won the trifecta of the most prestigious awards for an American citizen: Nobel Peace Prize, the Presidential Medal of Freedom and the Congressional Gold Medal. There are only 4 others in history to have won this combination; Martin Luther King Jr., Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela, and Elie Wiesel. He just last week received the Congressional Gold Medal, at the age of 93, having likely benefited one out of every seven people on the earth.
Not bad for a guy who no one knows. He said this about lobbyists "some of the environmental lobbyists of the Western nations are the salt of the earth, but many of them are elitists. They've never experienced the physical sensation of hunger. They do their lobbying from comfortable office suites in Washington or Brussels. If they lived just one month amid the misery of the developing world, as I have for fifty years, they'd be crying out for tractors and fertilizer and irrigation canals and be outraged that fashionable elitists back home were trying to deny them these things"
Now contrast this man with the current "leader" of the world's movement to protest climate change. Albert Gore, former Vice President and now spokesman for the environment has developed into a lobbyist. He has won an academy award for his documentary, "The Assault on Reason." He has authored multiple books on the subject, and is credited with the re-establishment of the environmental movement, launching his 7 step pledge to climate focused action.
Both men have received notoriety for their work, spread awareness, and possibly benefited people. Great. But you you honestly believe that the 11 live earth concerts held globally benefited the earth? The Live Nation group (based out of Beverly hills ca) has said that they took measures such as LED lighting, recycling, and urged people to used public transportation, and the rest of their environmental impact would be offset by purchasing Carbon Credits.
Where have all the hippies gone? Do they honestly believe that purchasing carbon credits will offset the impact of those 11 concerts? If Al Gore is the new activist, then hopefully we will find double the Norman Borlaugs in the future to offset their impact. Is this an effort to clear Gore's conscious from the lack of success in getting the US to adopt the Kyoto Protocol in the first place? Personally I would feel like a failure if during my vice presidency I was named the chair of an Earth Summit, and then I couldn't get my own government, and president to send it to the Congress, much less vote on it.
Its sad that a man can actually save lives, and yet in our contrived public view, its the man with the media backing that wins the popular promulgation.
The he packed up his family and moved to India, where in spite of a war with Pakistan, he managed to introduce new wheat strains that quadrupled their food output. So that saved another million.
You get it? But he wasn't done. He did the same thing with a new rice in China. He's doing the same thing in Africa -- as much of Africa as he's allowed to visit.
When he won the Nobel Prize in 1970, they said he had saved a billion people. That's BILLION! Carl Sagan BILLION with a B! And most of them were a different race from him.
Norman is the greatest human being, and you probably never heard of him.
-- Penn Jillette, of the comedy team Penn and Teller
If there's one thread running through Borlaug's life it's doing -- acting with fierce determination. Working on a problem as fundamental as world hunger is a complicated business, and Borlaug is a complicated man, somehow balancing contradictions.
He is the scientist and the dirt farmer; the advocate of common sense and the master of political subtleties; the humanitarian and the pugnacious fighter; the idealist and the consultant to governments of every political ideology. He has been called a peaceful revolutionary, and the tension in that term - between benevolence and aggressiveness - seems particularly apt.
- From the University of Minnesota College of Agriculture, Food and Environmental Science
Norman Borlaug is credited with actually saving a billion lives from starvation. He is an advocate of increasing crop yields to stop deforestation, has benefited many multiple nations, and has won the trifecta of the most prestigious awards for an American citizen: Nobel Peace Prize, the Presidential Medal of Freedom and the Congressional Gold Medal. There are only 4 others in history to have won this combination; Martin Luther King Jr., Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela, and Elie Wiesel. He just last week received the Congressional Gold Medal, at the age of 93, having likely benefited one out of every seven people on the earth.
Not bad for a guy who no one knows. He said this about lobbyists "some of the environmental lobbyists of the Western nations are the salt of the earth, but many of them are elitists. They've never experienced the physical sensation of hunger. They do their lobbying from comfortable office suites in Washington or Brussels. If they lived just one month amid the misery of the developing world, as I have for fifty years, they'd be crying out for tractors and fertilizer and irrigation canals and be outraged that fashionable elitists back home were trying to deny them these things"
Now contrast this man with the current "leader" of the world's movement to protest climate change. Albert Gore, former Vice President and now spokesman for the environment has developed into a lobbyist. He has won an academy award for his documentary, "The Assault on Reason." He has authored multiple books on the subject, and is credited with the re-establishment of the environmental movement, launching his 7 step pledge to climate focused action.
Both men have received notoriety for their work, spread awareness, and possibly benefited people. Great. But you you honestly believe that the 11 live earth concerts held globally benefited the earth? The Live Nation group (based out of Beverly hills ca) has said that they took measures such as LED lighting, recycling, and urged people to used public transportation, and the rest of their environmental impact would be offset by purchasing Carbon Credits.
Where have all the hippies gone? Do they honestly believe that purchasing carbon credits will offset the impact of those 11 concerts? If Al Gore is the new activist, then hopefully we will find double the Norman Borlaugs in the future to offset their impact. Is this an effort to clear Gore's conscious from the lack of success in getting the US to adopt the Kyoto Protocol in the first place? Personally I would feel like a failure if during my vice presidency I was named the chair of an Earth Summit, and then I couldn't get my own government, and president to send it to the Congress, much less vote on it.
Its sad that a man can actually save lives, and yet in our contrived public view, its the man with the media backing that wins the popular promulgation.
Goofy, HP, Periwinkle, and Vera.
Stand out!!! above the crowd... even if you have to shout out loud... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-HcqCFva-Gc&mode=related&search==
So, I have spent a good portion of the weekend with this song stuck in my head. This may seem strange, but I watched my DVRed version of "A Goofy Movie" this weekend, and thinking back to childhood, I decided that this movie was a perfect introspective of my kiddie experience. Basically the whole plot is to reinforce that you can do anything you set your mind to, and that no matter what, if you stay true to yourself you will win in the end. I have to credit Disney on this movie. Not only does it finish with a Prince-esque singer rocking out to the two most confidence boosting songs ever... its a cute story.
Got myself a notion-And one I know that you'll understand-To set the world in
motion by reaching out for each other's hand-Maybe we'll discover-What we shoulda
known all along-One way or another, together's where we both belong-If we listen
to each other's heart-We'll find we're never too far apart-And maybe love is a
reason why-For the first time ever, we're seein' it I-2-I-If a wall should come
between us-Too high to climb, too hard to break through-I know that love'll lead
us-And find a way to bring me to you-So don't be in a hurry-Think before you count
us out-You don't have to worry-I won't ever let you drown(Nothing's gonna stop us
now)-If we listen to each other's heart-We'll find we're never too far apart-And
maybe love is a reason why-For the first time ever, we're seein' it I-2-I-Love is
why we're seein' it I-2-I(Yes, we are seein' it I-2-I)Seein' it I-2(Love is why
we're seein' it)I think we're seein' it I-2-I(I-2-I)2-IWe're seein' it
I-2-I(I-2-I!)If you're ever lonely, then stop!You don't have to be-After all,
it's only a beat away from you to me(Take a look inside and see)If we listen to
each other's heart-We'll find we're never too far apart-And maybe love is a reason
why-For the first time ever, we're seein' it I-2-I-Seein' it I-2Seein' it
I-2-IWe're seein' it I-2-I, babyFor the first timeFor the first timeI-2-ISeein't
itSeein' it, babySeein' it I-2For the first time everHey yeahSeein' it,
babyWe're seein' it I-2-ISeein' it(C'mon, baby)I-2-II-2-II-2-II-2-IYeahI-2-I!Artist: Tevin Campbell Song: Stand Out
Open up your eyes take a look at me-If the picture fits in your memory-I've been dreamin by the rythym like the beat of a heart-And i won't stop until I start to stand out-Some people settle for the typical thing-Livin' all their lives waitin' in the wings-It ain't a question of 'if', just a matter of time-Before I move to the front of the line-And once you're watchin' ev'ry move that I make-Ya gotta believe that I got what it takes(Chorus)-To stand out Above the crowd-Even if I gotta shout out loud-'Til mine is the only face you see-Gonna stand out 'til you notice me-If the squeaky wheels always gettin the greese-I'm totally devoted to disturbin the peace-And I'll do it all again, when I get it done-Until I become your number one-No method to the madness and means of escape-Gonna break every rule I'll bend them all out of shape-It ain't a question of 'how' just a matter of when-You get the message that I'm tryin to send-I'm under a spell, I'm in over my head-And you kno I'm going all of the way, till the end-To stand out Above the crowd-Even if I gotta shout out loud'Til mine is the only face you see-Gonna stand out 'til you notice me, yeah-If I could make you stop and take a look at me instead of just-Walkin' byThere's nothin' that I wouldn't do-If it was gettin' you to noticeI'm alive-All I need is half a chance, a second thought, a second glance'll proveI got whatever it takes-It's a piece of cake-To stand out-Above the crowd-Even if I gotta shout out loud-'Til mine is the only face you see-Gonna stand out-Stand out, heyStand out!(Yeah, yeah, yeah!)Stand out!(Hmph!)'Til mine's the only face you seeGonna stand out'Til you notice me
With that little promo out of the way, I got HP on sat morning at Target. You see, I'm a nerd, but I'm not going to stand in line and make my own costume or anything absurd like that. I think the key to dealing with intense nerdiness on a daily basis is ... balance. It was a beautiful weekend, I did not spend the whole thing reading. I enjoyed regular life, then got my geek on at night. Granted, I'm not finished with the book yet, but I am about half-way through, and I still made it into work on time. :)
Friday, I went to Ill's house to hang out with his boys and wife-e. She is super cute, and an awesome mom. She is my age, and I never would have imagined that someone could be that great at parenting at such a young age. Although technically I'm not 12, I still feel like it... and I could certainly never imagine to birth and care for two little boys with out killing myself. LOL I'm all honesty, I'm sure I could, but I would love not to. (ya hear that Brez?:) right. so back to the story. She is amazing. I felt like no matter what I could ever do to right the world, to benefit society, I would never be responsible for the establishment and growth of a human being. I think that's crazy cool. I don't think its something I want, but it's neat to see that it happens. I sat there on fri, with three couples and myself, playing cards and wishing that Brez was around so I wouldn't have to do it all alone. I still had a blast, but the nagging feeling remained. LOL and she (wife-e) thinks I look like Julia Styles. Which is cool. My uncle had a heart attack, which stinks. However since this is the 4th round, at least we know the drill (sad but true). So, I spent most of the weekend with my mom distracting her from the fact that her bro was in bad shape. She requires retail therapy, so shopping we went.
Sat while she bought the entire homegoods store, and I lamented
over weather 130 bucks was too much to spend on a summer dress. Even if it was Vera Wang and on sale, and a size 10, and it looked super cute on me... it's the end of july, and I rarely wear lavender. I called brez for advice... no answer. I paced the front of the store with the dress hanging around my neck. I texted. I calculated. I pictured myself wearing it. Wondered what I could wear it to. Finally I read the return policy, then decided that if I was later faced with an extreme case a VERA remorse, I could always bring it back. (knowing of course, that i never would.) I bought the dress, and I think I'm bringing it to MI this week. It might be a craptastic place that MI... (j/k) but I think everyone deserves a little Wang in their lives. (pardon the pun) :)
over weather 130 bucks was too much to spend on a summer dress. Even if it was Vera Wang and on sale, and a size 10, and it looked super cute on me... it's the end of july, and I rarely wear lavender. I called brez for advice... no answer. I paced the front of the store with the dress hanging around my neck. I texted. I calculated. I pictured myself wearing it. Wondered what I could wear it to. Finally I read the return policy, then decided that if I was later faced with an extreme case a VERA remorse, I could always bring it back. (knowing of course, that i never would.) I bought the dress, and I think I'm bringing it to MI this week. It might be a craptastic place that MI... (j/k) but I think everyone deserves a little Wang in their lives. (pardon the pun) :) I brought the dress home, and told my father I wanted his opinion on it. I said, its lavender. He said... is that the same as periwinkle? (the only weird color name he knows I have a penchant for...) I laughed.
I took my mom for our monthly day of spa on sunday, and I bought a suit, and basic black pumps. I didn't even try the suit on. I have reached the point where I know which designers i can wear, and I can now just pick by color. It's kinda sad honestly. It made me feel like an old woman. Then as the girl was doing my hair, she abruptly stops and asks me if I'm rich. I laugh, (although I'm thinking riiiight... obviously this girl doesn't know me...) and reply, well no, I just happen to work hard for the money. She doesn't laugh, rather critically watches my expression... (and I'm still not sure if she just didn't believe me, or if she didn't get the joke).
This isn't the first time in recent memory that someone has been under that impression. Apparently I am often regarded as either rich or a snob. (actually, likely both) It is a little distressing for me because I came from the opposite; people who reverse-discriminate against the rich, and a stint during childhood on food stamps. I think I actually understand what it is going to be like in the future, what politicians go through, trying to explain how a person's past colors their interpretation of the future. I read an article in Newsweek discussing the new biography of Dick Cheney, and it seems that one cannot avoid becoming their job. It's a bit depressing, but realistic. Once you jump into the dark world of the future, there is no justification for you based on your past. You are only the present, and however you react is based on innate reaction to broad-spectrum analysis of the problem at hand. Therefore, once you become vice-president, it doesn't matter where you worked in Wy as a teenager. All that matters is what you do when you step into the new role. I think Cheney is as cold as he seems. He might be scary, impenetrable, and vehement, but he is clearly concerned. All the time. I don't necessarily agree with decisions he has made, but I still think credit is due. I may still think I came from the anti-richies, but in reality, I can continually protest those who believe certain things about me, but it wouldn't ever matter.
Tuesday, June 05, 2007
The married, the pregnant, and the workaholics
I'm a workaholic. I can admit it. I own it. Most times I am actually perversely proud of it. Recently however, I have realized that I have set myself up for this as a life trend. Its really not that terrible until I reach that point where my manager makes me draft an explanation as to why I have worked enough for two weeks in one. Why do I work so much? Because inherently I am a perfectionist, I hate leaving work undone, and this is my lively hood. I think that at this point in my life, I still have the drive and energy to maintain this craziness and sanity at the same time, thus I should drive on.
I am not stupid. I would just like to say that in writing. legal record. I AM NOT STUPID. I may be neurotic, and entirely too cerebral, but I'm not a moron. Nothing pisses me off more than someone insinuating that I am dumb because I'm blond. In fact, this has angered me enough to change my hair color many multiple times to something else, only to find that it has nothing to do with the hair, rather some people just insist that I am dumb. I hate them and I hate that they say that. I think with age this insistence has forced me to become the anti-blond. In other words, I don't act all cute and smiley, I don't say my age, and I certainly do not wear revealing clothes. There is a fine line to walk to where I would become completely terrifying, bitchy, and sarcastic; and I feel like I am tottering into the danger zone.
I am sick and tired of people feeling that they can freely judge me and tell me what they think, and that it actually matters that they have an opinion on me.
Yesterday I got "you come from money" --far from it. I come from intelligent people, generally, but there are exceptions, and few even own their own dwellings, thus I would say a giant resounding no on that fact. I would say that the proof is that although I have gone to great schools, 3/4s of my life was on scholarship. Elementary and Middle school, private exclusive school, to which I had a scholarship. A Bout with public high school, and on to private college on scholarship.
The day before that I got... "she cant drive" and "you're so blond no one takes you seriously" --to which I say, If I can't drive, then how do I make the 4hrs per day drive? How have I only been in one accident ever, (where my foot slipped and I tapped a car with no damage to either?) and who are you to say that about me? FUKC YOU. As for the no one takes me seriously.. that is your fault, not mine. Obviously since I make more than you and have moved up twice as fast. I'm not lacking in some department that you are FUKC YOU TOO.
How about "you look pregnant in that dress" well, that would require sex to be pregnant, so I know that's not the case (unless its God or the aliens...) and I can't look any fatter than I did the last time I wore this dress because I was 20lbs heavier then. Did I tell you you look fat in that shirt? Cause you look fat in all your shirts because you are fat. so ... SHUT THE HELL UP.
Or perhaps "people think your a snob because you don't smile" and "you won't have to worry about having wrinkles cause you can't get them from frowning" FUKC YOU. Maybe I am a snob. Maybe I hate stupid people that make snap judgements about perceived issues within others lives, and maybe I hate people that don't have their own lives together, yet insist upon judging mine. FU again, because I hate you and the fact that we are related. No I do not think I should be around more because you are all insensitive pricks, and I am trying really hard not to tell you to your faces. I hate that you have no drive, that you are sexist, and that all you value are the same things high schoolers value; looks, popularity, and sporting prowess. I am also insanely bitter that myself and my counterpart are treated completely differently, and that because he fulfills the high school values, everything is a gift for him. FUKC YOU ALL. I left for a reason, and if I had not been poor, I never would have come back.
How about "I'm married, but I would love to 'hang out' with you"---I bet you would. Sucks for you DIKC HEAD. Go find a prostitute on K st. I'm sure they could help you.
Possibly "you should date _____ (fill in blank with any number of names)______ because he can take care of you and you would have great kids!" If I wanted someone to take care of me, I would be marrying a billionaire, not Fill-in-blank guys. If I needed someone to take care of me, I would hire someone. I do not NEED anyone, I CHOOSE to hang out with them. If I was so deprived that I NEEDED someone I would kill myself. On that note, if I wanted someone who would treat me as a commodity, I would already be married. Any of my exes would have been perfect for that. I do not want kids, I want freedom from 9mos of wondering what my toes look like. I think that it would be an injustice to any child I would have to bring them up in this world where there is such outstanding inequality, God help them if they were a girl. Just because it is "normal" does not mean it is right. I think it is irresponsible of you to bring a child into a rocky relationship, and I don't think that just because you are pregnant you should have it. I think you should realize that your husband is a douche bag, and you are both ignorant for putting up with the crap that goes on between you. I think you never should have married in the first place, and you should stop telling me what you think about my choices. Obviously you are not someone I mold my life after, so knock it off.
and finally "why do you have to get your hair done, it seems like a waste of time and money to me" ---listen chicka. If any one should be chiding someone about wastes? it should certainly not be you. You have two boyfriends, only admit to one, and they are both losers. Talk about a waste of your and our money and time. And don't ever make me go to a party with either of them ever again, because I might throw them off the roof for being poor hosts and losers in general. I can't help it that I'm pretty. Don't hate BIZACH.
or "I haven't heard from you and missed you at the beach" I hate you too. You are skanky, dirty, and backstabbing. I will only be using you from now on. FUKC YOU.
As you can tell, I need a vacation.
I am not stupid. I would just like to say that in writing. legal record. I AM NOT STUPID. I may be neurotic, and entirely too cerebral, but I'm not a moron. Nothing pisses me off more than someone insinuating that I am dumb because I'm blond. In fact, this has angered me enough to change my hair color many multiple times to something else, only to find that it has nothing to do with the hair, rather some people just insist that I am dumb. I hate them and I hate that they say that. I think with age this insistence has forced me to become the anti-blond. In other words, I don't act all cute and smiley, I don't say my age, and I certainly do not wear revealing clothes. There is a fine line to walk to where I would become completely terrifying, bitchy, and sarcastic; and I feel like I am tottering into the danger zone.
I am sick and tired of people feeling that they can freely judge me and tell me what they think, and that it actually matters that they have an opinion on me.
Yesterday I got "you come from money" --far from it. I come from intelligent people, generally, but there are exceptions, and few even own their own dwellings, thus I would say a giant resounding no on that fact. I would say that the proof is that although I have gone to great schools, 3/4s of my life was on scholarship. Elementary and Middle school, private exclusive school, to which I had a scholarship. A Bout with public high school, and on to private college on scholarship.
The day before that I got... "she cant drive" and "you're so blond no one takes you seriously" --to which I say, If I can't drive, then how do I make the 4hrs per day drive? How have I only been in one accident ever, (where my foot slipped and I tapped a car with no damage to either?) and who are you to say that about me? FUKC YOU. As for the no one takes me seriously.. that is your fault, not mine. Obviously since I make more than you and have moved up twice as fast. I'm not lacking in some department that you are FUKC YOU TOO.
How about "you look pregnant in that dress" well, that would require sex to be pregnant, so I know that's not the case (unless its God or the aliens...) and I can't look any fatter than I did the last time I wore this dress because I was 20lbs heavier then. Did I tell you you look fat in that shirt? Cause you look fat in all your shirts because you are fat. so ... SHUT THE HELL UP.
Or perhaps "people think your a snob because you don't smile" and "you won't have to worry about having wrinkles cause you can't get them from frowning" FUKC YOU. Maybe I am a snob. Maybe I hate stupid people that make snap judgements about perceived issues within others lives, and maybe I hate people that don't have their own lives together, yet insist upon judging mine. FU again, because I hate you and the fact that we are related. No I do not think I should be around more because you are all insensitive pricks, and I am trying really hard not to tell you to your faces. I hate that you have no drive, that you are sexist, and that all you value are the same things high schoolers value; looks, popularity, and sporting prowess. I am also insanely bitter that myself and my counterpart are treated completely differently, and that because he fulfills the high school values, everything is a gift for him. FUKC YOU ALL. I left for a reason, and if I had not been poor, I never would have come back.
How about "I'm married, but I would love to 'hang out' with you"---I bet you would. Sucks for you DIKC HEAD. Go find a prostitute on K st. I'm sure they could help you.
Possibly "you should date _____ (fill in blank with any number of names)______ because he can take care of you and you would have great kids!" If I wanted someone to take care of me, I would be marrying a billionaire, not Fill-in-blank guys. If I needed someone to take care of me, I would hire someone. I do not NEED anyone, I CHOOSE to hang out with them. If I was so deprived that I NEEDED someone I would kill myself. On that note, if I wanted someone who would treat me as a commodity, I would already be married. Any of my exes would have been perfect for that. I do not want kids, I want freedom from 9mos of wondering what my toes look like. I think that it would be an injustice to any child I would have to bring them up in this world where there is such outstanding inequality, God help them if they were a girl. Just because it is "normal" does not mean it is right. I think it is irresponsible of you to bring a child into a rocky relationship, and I don't think that just because you are pregnant you should have it. I think you should realize that your husband is a douche bag, and you are both ignorant for putting up with the crap that goes on between you. I think you never should have married in the first place, and you should stop telling me what you think about my choices. Obviously you are not someone I mold my life after, so knock it off.
and finally "why do you have to get your hair done, it seems like a waste of time and money to me" ---listen chicka. If any one should be chiding someone about wastes? it should certainly not be you. You have two boyfriends, only admit to one, and they are both losers. Talk about a waste of your and our money and time. And don't ever make me go to a party with either of them ever again, because I might throw them off the roof for being poor hosts and losers in general. I can't help it that I'm pretty. Don't hate BIZACH.
or "I haven't heard from you and missed you at the beach" I hate you too. You are skanky, dirty, and backstabbing. I will only be using you from now on. FUKC YOU.
As you can tell, I need a vacation.
Wednesday, May 23, 2007
Sizes. Why do they matter?
On Sunday I picked up my friend special-K and we went to the Mall. We had hair appointments and then were going to do some recreational shopping. It was nice, I got the run-down from her date the night before, and a good hair day (no matter how expensive) is always appreciated.
I know this seems like a run of the mill experience, but it is really just the ground work for what happened later.
We shopped until we were satisfied we had spent way too much money, then went back to her place to meet the griz. In our friendships, we have this tradition called "the bin" which happens to be a container in which we deposit clothes we don't want for whatever reason, thereby making them open to all takers. Generally most of the items are given to charity, but this way we get to pick through and help each other. Bear in mind there are extreme body differences between the three of us: special-k is stretching to reach five feet tall size 4-6 (B) that repeatedly has to lop a foot off of her pants, while the griz is about 5'6'' now 6-8 (C). I on the other hand, am around 5'9'' (i think) and sized 12-14 (c). I am at least double their size. I tower. I look like the Rock, preparing to lay the smack down on the populace vs them... skilled jockeys.
I don't usually feel too bad about it, because I have attributes to soften my amazon-ness, blonde hair, blue eyes, and a feminine bone structure. However, both of them were formerly double their size, griz at 14, special-k at 10. Granted, I still play sports and have more muscle than the two of them put together, but that doesn't make me feel any better about anything. The fact remains that I'm a giant. My BMI is 26, putting me into the overweight category, and forcing me to re-evaluation of my size. In real life I'm in pretty good shape, but need to loose some weight.
So, I have started methodically tracking everything I eat and all my exercise. I've been at it about a week, and I've lost 3 lbs. As an athlete, it makes me kinda sad that I have reduced myself to this, when not long ago I prided myself on being able to eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it.
Back to the story. The girls insisted on going through the "bin" for me, to see what I could take with me. RIIIIIGHTT..... I said, I don't think that's necessary, I just shopped a ton all day. (my attempt at placating them) Oh, I continued, and I'm sure the charity would like all the clothes they can get, no worries, I'll be fine. Its Tradition! They screeched... and with that the bin was purged, All my self esteem plummeting to the ground with it. They start picking through... oh.. this might fit... oh... she's got big shoulders... just try it... oh.... maybe not.....*sigh*
They weren't intending to make me feel like a cow. They wanted me to find something spectacular for me out of the BIN, but in the process I felt like a life-sized Barbie trying to fit into her doll-sized counterpart's wardrobe. It was scarring. Obviously, or I wouldn't be blogging about it. so. now I feel huge, and would like to cry. did you know that once you loose weight, the daily recommended caloric intake necessary for continuing to loose weight keeps going down? I'm down to like 1,450 calories a day! That's insane. I've been working out just to increase endorphins to deal with the stress of it all. Luckily that means I can squeeze in a bit more food. ugh. I want to cry and never put on clothes again.
I know this seems like a run of the mill experience, but it is really just the ground work for what happened later.
We shopped until we were satisfied we had spent way too much money, then went back to her place to meet the griz. In our friendships, we have this tradition called "the bin" which happens to be a container in which we deposit clothes we don't want for whatever reason, thereby making them open to all takers. Generally most of the items are given to charity, but this way we get to pick through and help each other. Bear in mind there are extreme body differences between the three of us: special-k is stretching to reach five feet tall size 4-6 (B) that repeatedly has to lop a foot off of her pants, while the griz is about 5'6'' now 6-8 (C). I on the other hand, am around 5'9'' (i think) and sized 12-14 (c). I am at least double their size. I tower. I look like the Rock, preparing to lay the smack down on the populace vs them... skilled jockeys.
I don't usually feel too bad about it, because I have attributes to soften my amazon-ness, blonde hair, blue eyes, and a feminine bone structure. However, both of them were formerly double their size, griz at 14, special-k at 10. Granted, I still play sports and have more muscle than the two of them put together, but that doesn't make me feel any better about anything. The fact remains that I'm a giant. My BMI is 26, putting me into the overweight category, and forcing me to re-evaluation of my size. In real life I'm in pretty good shape, but need to loose some weight.
So, I have started methodically tracking everything I eat and all my exercise. I've been at it about a week, and I've lost 3 lbs. As an athlete, it makes me kinda sad that I have reduced myself to this, when not long ago I prided myself on being able to eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it.
Back to the story. The girls insisted on going through the "bin" for me, to see what I could take with me. RIIIIIGHTT..... I said, I don't think that's necessary, I just shopped a ton all day. (my attempt at placating them) Oh, I continued, and I'm sure the charity would like all the clothes they can get, no worries, I'll be fine. Its Tradition! They screeched... and with that the bin was purged, All my self esteem plummeting to the ground with it. They start picking through... oh.. this might fit... oh... she's got big shoulders... just try it... oh.... maybe not.....*sigh*
They weren't intending to make me feel like a cow. They wanted me to find something spectacular for me out of the BIN, but in the process I felt like a life-sized Barbie trying to fit into her doll-sized counterpart's wardrobe. It was scarring. Obviously, or I wouldn't be blogging about it. so. now I feel huge, and would like to cry. did you know that once you loose weight, the daily recommended caloric intake necessary for continuing to loose weight keeps going down? I'm down to like 1,450 calories a day! That's insane. I've been working out just to increase endorphins to deal with the stress of it all. Luckily that means I can squeeze in a bit more food. ugh. I want to cry and never put on clothes again.
It won't be soon before long.
What does that mean Maroon 5? I listened to your interview Adam Levine on the countdown with Ryan Seacrest. Even you couldn't explain it without sounding high.
It wont be soon before long...
If you wait long enough, sooner rather becomes later?
Apparently I haven't done enough drugs to understand the deeper meaning. I still like the cd. It's worth the 4-5 yr hiatus. Complex, it includes flashes-back to the 50s and 70s sounds of begees and temptations. A nice intermingling of old and new lyrics, tying the two albums together. Nice.
It wont be soon before long...
If you wait long enough, sooner rather becomes later?
Apparently I haven't done enough drugs to understand the deeper meaning. I still like the cd. It's worth the 4-5 yr hiatus. Complex, it includes flashes-back to the 50s and 70s sounds of begees and temptations. A nice intermingling of old and new lyrics, tying the two albums together. Nice.
Wednesday, May 02, 2007
I've changed.
Apparently, I've changed.
I think change is one of those things that you never really realize is happening, because you aren't able to remove yourself from the reality. No one actually has time to notice a drastic change in themselves, you are too busy living it.
Right. That fact established, I am sitting at my desk in my office wondering how it all happened. Granted, I work like a crazy person, and have basically lived for my career advancement the past 2 years, but how did I change? I have run into old bosses, co-workers, and kids from high school and college; and all of them have told me that I am DIFFERENT.
Thanks. Different? really?
Every time someone says that to me, I want to scream "ARE YOU KIDDING??" yea, of course I'm different. I'm a boss. I am responsible. I have standing meetings. I have somehow convinced those around me that I deserve to be here and have added value. I personally think its all crap.
I'm negotiating for a new job, and I feel terrible about it. I have been struggling with it for a good two weeks now, trying to decide why I feel like I'm lying every time I write a new negotiation letter, and today I figured it out. I feel like there is no way a 23yr old kid should ever be given as much as I have. I feel like I owe the world big-time for all this opportunity. People my age don't do this... they are going to keggers. They are going to college, grad school, trade, law, working, marrying, and feeding their kids. But not me. I am sitting here worrying that I am severely lacking, and there is no way possible I should be up for this new job, much less negotiating for a bigger package to do it.
This job is the pinnacle of my area of expertise. Its almost solely male-dominated, and known for doing things like firing women for getting pregnant. (not that it is legal, but trust and believe you won't win that lawsuit...) Its a huge deal. prestige out the butt, and here I am thinking, holy shit. There is no way I am smart enough, can write well enough, or even speak clearly enough to do this job. In fact, every time I think about it, the sheer nervous reaction induced warrants curling into the fetal position followed by intense shaking.
Where did I find the audacity to believe I can do this? How can I sit there and jump into something this big? I'm not trained, I slept through most of college, and I don't actually form real thoughts for myself. How can I ever earn respect in this? Who could respect me in this job? I'm twelve years old! Most of my colleges will have staplers older than me.
So, yes, I've changed. Giant tearing skin off of my body changes. I wear suits everyday and drink coffee like its nectar. I speak. In meetings even. I speak up for myself! Jesus, I never would have done that in the past. I interrupt others, who have doctorates from Harvard. How in the world this happened is beyond me. I don't care what people think, and I work all the time? No one would have predicted this.
Picture me in college. Orange hair because I dyed it that way, sporting running shorts a ball cap and a t-shirt, sleeping with one arm moving in a fashion intended to look like note-taking. OMG. I was the girl people hated because she slept through class and didn't care. I am crazy arrogant, and people like that(?). I run for offices, and my campaign speeches consist of...I show up; (because that's all i can honestly say) and people vote for me. I don't make campaign promises, and don't deliver anything extraordinary, but get re-elected. I am that girl that everyone wishes that they could hate, but they can't really nail down a reason to actually do so, and are likely afraid to, because they will be alone. Even the table 9rs won't admit to disliking me. Girls make up terrible rumors: saying that I have STDs, steal, and have sex with any guy and any multiple numbers of them. Yet, no one dares to tell me, because they want me on their side.
Only I never knew any of that. I thought people didn't know me, voted for me because they didn't like the jerk I ran against, and I never wanted to be talked to/much less about. I slept in class because I was tired, my roommate was on drugs and snored like crazy. I didn't know how to interact with girls, and I didn't gossip. My grades sucked in all honesty, my parents got really mad and threatened to take me out of school, so I had to hide my grades every summer. I always came home and worked on breaks, never having a "crazy spring break", and worked two jobs during the year to pay for my family's portion of tuition. I thought people noticed me because I was a giant. I wasn't there a lot because i didn't want forced interaction. I figured if I was a non-entity, I was forgettable. The funniest part about it, was that I thought it actually worked.
I had a few things elucidated for me, now I'm a cynical and perhaps witty bizach. I got screwed at work, now I fight back. I lost friends, and forged on. I realized that as long as I watched out for myself in everything, I could work it all out. I'm hardened, angry, and focused. All of this is the result of dealing with life. I suppose this all shows in my demeanor, but I can't see it. To me its all internal changes. I'm maybe heavier than my younger self, with longer hair in a normal color, but nothing externally.
Outside, I am cool, calm, and collected. No hair out of place, no worries, just focus. Ha. If that is what is coming across I should be an actress, not this job. I don't do things I don't want to, and I don't mince words, because I don't see the point; not because I'm spectacular. I keep busy because I think less, and work better. I guess I grew up. I'm being groomed for lofty heights I don't think are anywhere near possible, but I am determined anyway.
In short, I've got better things to do, and no one is going to beat me out. Some how it translates into jobs on silver platters, and more leave than I will ever dream of using. That doesn't mean that I deserve any of it, just that I happen to walk into the right place at the right time.
I guess I have changed. Not necessarily for the better, but drastically if nothing else. I will always wonder if there was some innate plan for me, but I will never understand it. I guess I will keep going in this path, and hope for the best.
I think change is one of those things that you never really realize is happening, because you aren't able to remove yourself from the reality. No one actually has time to notice a drastic change in themselves, you are too busy living it.
Right. That fact established, I am sitting at my desk in my office wondering how it all happened. Granted, I work like a crazy person, and have basically lived for my career advancement the past 2 years, but how did I change? I have run into old bosses, co-workers, and kids from high school and college; and all of them have told me that I am DIFFERENT.
Thanks. Different? really?
Every time someone says that to me, I want to scream "ARE YOU KIDDING??" yea, of course I'm different. I'm a boss. I am responsible. I have standing meetings. I have somehow convinced those around me that I deserve to be here and have added value. I personally think its all crap.
I'm negotiating for a new job, and I feel terrible about it. I have been struggling with it for a good two weeks now, trying to decide why I feel like I'm lying every time I write a new negotiation letter, and today I figured it out. I feel like there is no way a 23yr old kid should ever be given as much as I have. I feel like I owe the world big-time for all this opportunity. People my age don't do this... they are going to keggers. They are going to college, grad school, trade, law, working, marrying, and feeding their kids. But not me. I am sitting here worrying that I am severely lacking, and there is no way possible I should be up for this new job, much less negotiating for a bigger package to do it.
This job is the pinnacle of my area of expertise. Its almost solely male-dominated, and known for doing things like firing women for getting pregnant. (not that it is legal, but trust and believe you won't win that lawsuit...) Its a huge deal. prestige out the butt, and here I am thinking, holy shit. There is no way I am smart enough, can write well enough, or even speak clearly enough to do this job. In fact, every time I think about it, the sheer nervous reaction induced warrants curling into the fetal position followed by intense shaking.
Where did I find the audacity to believe I can do this? How can I sit there and jump into something this big? I'm not trained, I slept through most of college, and I don't actually form real thoughts for myself. How can I ever earn respect in this? Who could respect me in this job? I'm twelve years old! Most of my colleges will have staplers older than me.
So, yes, I've changed. Giant tearing skin off of my body changes. I wear suits everyday and drink coffee like its nectar. I speak. In meetings even. I speak up for myself! Jesus, I never would have done that in the past. I interrupt others, who have doctorates from Harvard. How in the world this happened is beyond me. I don't care what people think, and I work all the time? No one would have predicted this.
Picture me in college. Orange hair because I dyed it that way, sporting running shorts a ball cap and a t-shirt, sleeping with one arm moving in a fashion intended to look like note-taking. OMG. I was the girl people hated because she slept through class and didn't care. I am crazy arrogant, and people like that(?). I run for offices, and my campaign speeches consist of...I show up; (because that's all i can honestly say) and people vote for me. I don't make campaign promises, and don't deliver anything extraordinary, but get re-elected. I am that girl that everyone wishes that they could hate, but they can't really nail down a reason to actually do so, and are likely afraid to, because they will be alone. Even the table 9rs won't admit to disliking me. Girls make up terrible rumors: saying that I have STDs, steal, and have sex with any guy and any multiple numbers of them. Yet, no one dares to tell me, because they want me on their side.
Only I never knew any of that. I thought people didn't know me, voted for me because they didn't like the jerk I ran against, and I never wanted to be talked to/much less about. I slept in class because I was tired, my roommate was on drugs and snored like crazy. I didn't know how to interact with girls, and I didn't gossip. My grades sucked in all honesty, my parents got really mad and threatened to take me out of school, so I had to hide my grades every summer. I always came home and worked on breaks, never having a "crazy spring break", and worked two jobs during the year to pay for my family's portion of tuition. I thought people noticed me because I was a giant. I wasn't there a lot because i didn't want forced interaction. I figured if I was a non-entity, I was forgettable. The funniest part about it, was that I thought it actually worked.
I had a few things elucidated for me, now I'm a cynical and perhaps witty bizach. I got screwed at work, now I fight back. I lost friends, and forged on. I realized that as long as I watched out for myself in everything, I could work it all out. I'm hardened, angry, and focused. All of this is the result of dealing with life. I suppose this all shows in my demeanor, but I can't see it. To me its all internal changes. I'm maybe heavier than my younger self, with longer hair in a normal color, but nothing externally.
Outside, I am cool, calm, and collected. No hair out of place, no worries, just focus. Ha. If that is what is coming across I should be an actress, not this job. I don't do things I don't want to, and I don't mince words, because I don't see the point; not because I'm spectacular. I keep busy because I think less, and work better. I guess I grew up. I'm being groomed for lofty heights I don't think are anywhere near possible, but I am determined anyway.
In short, I've got better things to do, and no one is going to beat me out. Some how it translates into jobs on silver platters, and more leave than I will ever dream of using. That doesn't mean that I deserve any of it, just that I happen to walk into the right place at the right time.
I guess I have changed. Not necessarily for the better, but drastically if nothing else. I will always wonder if there was some innate plan for me, but I will never understand it. I guess I will keep going in this path, and hope for the best.
Thursday, April 26, 2007
Why I hate negitiations.
Its not really negotiations in general that I hate, its more of salary/benefits negotiations. I feel skeezy, dirty, and conniving.
Why?
Because I totally am. I am attacking every aspect of that counter offer like a rot tearing through a t-bone. Yes, I checked with experienced people, I talked to everyone that could possibly help, even brez gave me wording help so i wouldn't screw myself over.
I feel gross. I will never understand why these things can't be fair, and why I had to turn into a nepotist. Later, I will rationalize how being a nepotist isn't really that bad. Stay tuned...
Why?
Because I totally am. I am attacking every aspect of that counter offer like a rot tearing through a t-bone. Yes, I checked with experienced people, I talked to everyone that could possibly help, even brez gave me wording help so i wouldn't screw myself over.
I feel gross. I will never understand why these things can't be fair, and why I had to turn into a nepotist. Later, I will rationalize how being a nepotist isn't really that bad. Stay tuned...
being a girl is a blower.
my back hurts, and I feel like a Mac truck was driven through my lower half. It's awesome. I'm lying. it totally sucks.
Monday, April 23, 2007
Review of the past week.
When I was a child, no one ever said to me " Girl, you will come to a time in your life when you are tired. Tired of helping everyone else, counselling, teaching, and generally worrying for them. You, girl, are the kind of person that will not know when to say no. You, girl, will so want to help protect those you love, that you will take beatings for them, you will tell them the harsh truth, and you will even work to protect the country from harm. "
If God had given me a manual on day one of time in the womb, I would have studied that manual and asked, why can't you do all this? Why will I feel so compelled to help? Doesn't that seem like a waste of my minuscule abilities when you could do these things o much better?
I'm not sure if God would have answered womb-girl, but I think I would still give it a shot.
I suppose when I get old and reflect on my life's progression, I will be proud of the girl that still felt that she could change the world. That she could (at a ripe old age of 23) manage to prove that ageism, sexism, and every other social mores could be forgotten. That republicans and democrats can be friends. That 16yr old girls can learn something that isn't about boys or cars. That the shy little girl that was only recognized for reading hundreds of books in a 5Th grade summer, could work through life and move on to jobs where a large part of her worth is based on negotiating skills between "challenging executives".
I took my grandma and mother to the white house yesterday, I often wonder what she thinks of her life, but I've never had the gall to ask her. Does she regret fighting with my grandfather constantly? Was she okay with having to raise her younger siblings? How did she keep from crying all the time when her child died? Or when her son went off to Vietnam? As much as we didn't get along earlier in my life, we have both matured, and grown to a mutual tolerance and respect. So Sunday when I made sure she was protected, I didn't really mind. She is the reason I told the jerk-off guy that followed us along where he could go. I didn't mind that although I was sleep starved, thirsty, and walking blocks upon blocks to something I didn't care about, I was happy to carry her. To wrap my arm under hers and hold her up so she could keep up, to walk 8 blocks out of my way to get her water, and to maintain a smile all the while. It was her birthday wish, and I owe her. If it hadn't been for her toughness, I never would have been born.
If God had given me a manual on day one of time in the womb, I would have studied that manual and asked, why can't you do all this? Why will I feel so compelled to help? Doesn't that seem like a waste of my minuscule abilities when you could do these things o much better?
I'm not sure if God would have answered womb-girl, but I think I would still give it a shot.
I suppose when I get old and reflect on my life's progression, I will be proud of the girl that still felt that she could change the world. That she could (at a ripe old age of 23) manage to prove that ageism, sexism, and every other social mores could be forgotten. That republicans and democrats can be friends. That 16yr old girls can learn something that isn't about boys or cars. That the shy little girl that was only recognized for reading hundreds of books in a 5Th grade summer, could work through life and move on to jobs where a large part of her worth is based on negotiating skills between "challenging executives".
I took my grandma and mother to the white house yesterday, I often wonder what she thinks of her life, but I've never had the gall to ask her. Does she regret fighting with my grandfather constantly? Was she okay with having to raise her younger siblings? How did she keep from crying all the time when her child died? Or when her son went off to Vietnam? As much as we didn't get along earlier in my life, we have both matured, and grown to a mutual tolerance and respect. So Sunday when I made sure she was protected, I didn't really mind. She is the reason I told the jerk-off guy that followed us along where he could go. I didn't mind that although I was sleep starved, thirsty, and walking blocks upon blocks to something I didn't care about, I was happy to carry her. To wrap my arm under hers and hold her up so she could keep up, to walk 8 blocks out of my way to get her water, and to maintain a smile all the while. It was her birthday wish, and I owe her. If it hadn't been for her toughness, I never would have been born.
Tuesday, April 10, 2007
Somebody once said to me...
"Why you? Because to put simply, I think you are beautiful in every
possible way. & who knows, things may be different one day. "
WOW. That, was a reply to a "I just want to be friends" speech I once gave. He was one of my best friends, who even though I was committed, believed that if I only knew how he really felt I would abandon my serial-monogamy lifestyle and become his.
Granted, as cold as I often may seem, I tend to be a bit of a guarded romantic, so this statement caused me to rethink the speech I had just relayed. The fact that someone was first open about something like that, even when I had just (nicely mind you) rejected him, made me wonder how one could go through life without the reciprocation of affection.
Brez told me the other day that he didn't date anyone after el diablo and before me. He of course knows that I dated everyone and their grandfathers... (j/k) so I was taken aback. All this time, I had pictured him out with a billion girls just like I was out with guys. I was so consumed with myself, that I didn't even notice that he never mentioned a girls name, told me about a date, or even laughed at how some girl had some random idiosyncrasy... because I was so wrapped up in me.
In me, in the hippy, the hot old guy, the other old guy, the ball player, my ex, and then brez. The brez was the one I called at 4am on my way home from a too-long party. And oftentimes he answered at 4am. And when he called me at 4am, I always answered, because I frankly adored him. Although I never mentioned it to him, that is until I told him that when he had drunkenly mentioned that i should visit, i had bought a flight. :) he he:) oh, and did I mention that I told him I loved him like 20min after our first kiss. ugh.
Looking back, I think I am retarded in love. I am amazed at how I loose all bearings on normalcy and just shoot straight from the hip. I suppose that is one part of my life that is better when it isn't regimented, organized, and critiqued.
Monday, April 09, 2007
For once in my life.
For once in my life I have someone who needs me
Someone I've needed so long
For once unafraid I can go where life leads me
And somehow I know I'll be strong
For once I can touch What my heart used to dream of
Long before I knew Someone warm like you
Could make my dream come true
For once in my life I won't let sorrow hurt me
Not like it's hurt me before For once I've got someone I know won't desert me
I'm not alone anymore For once I can say
This is mine, you can't take it
As long as I've got love I know I can make it
For once in my life I've got someone who needs me.
Not my favorite song of all time, but its damn good. Its scary as hell, but kinda nice to realize that if I were to give myself a chance at the looming forever, it would be okay. The love is there.
Someone I've needed so long
For once unafraid I can go where life leads me
And somehow I know I'll be strong
For once I can touch What my heart used to dream of
Long before I knew Someone warm like you
Could make my dream come true
For once in my life I won't let sorrow hurt me
Not like it's hurt me before For once I've got someone I know won't desert me
I'm not alone anymore For once I can say
This is mine, you can't take it
As long as I've got love I know I can make it
For once in my life I've got someone who needs me.
Not my favorite song of all time, but its damn good. Its scary as hell, but kinda nice to realize that if I were to give myself a chance at the looming forever, it would be okay. The love is there.
Thursday, April 05, 2007
When life throws you a curveball.
When life throws you a curve ball, what do you do with it?
It is an anomaly, not necessarily bad just unexpected. Everyone sees the fastball coming, but the curve... it requires finger placement. A good pitcher can laugh while you stare the pitch down, waiting to destroy it- straight into right field... and then grin with satisfaction when he sees that moment of realization.
In that split-second, you see it. You can't quite believe that fastball has morphed so convincingly, and is currently plummeting whilst you are mid-swing.
You aren't quite quick enough to react and save that last strike from pushing you further into the grip of OUT!
You know that if that red-laced, round-faced, little ingrate that has nothing but stitches holding it together could talk, it would be belittling, deriding, and discrediting all those hours of excruciating practice, dedication and persistent toil.
Which further infuriates you. The ump yells OOOOUUUUUUTTTTT! You throw down your Louisville Slugger in disgust, turning to him -in his not so infinite wisdom- and scream, kick, and curse your way to being thrown out. Never mind that this little tantrum is going to have repercussions, you don't care. Its not fair. Not fair that something that was so perfect could then be questioned, glanced at, and then forced from your grasp.
You can convince yourself later that you didn't care about that pitch, that out. Everyone knows that is a lie. But its fine.
It is an anomaly, not necessarily bad just unexpected. Everyone sees the fastball coming, but the curve... it requires finger placement. A good pitcher can laugh while you stare the pitch down, waiting to destroy it- straight into right field... and then grin with satisfaction when he sees that moment of realization.
In that split-second, you see it. You can't quite believe that fastball has morphed so convincingly, and is currently plummeting whilst you are mid-swing.
You aren't quite quick enough to react and save that last strike from pushing you further into the grip of OUT!
You know that if that red-laced, round-faced, little ingrate that has nothing but stitches holding it together could talk, it would be belittling, deriding, and discrediting all those hours of excruciating practice, dedication and persistent toil.
Which further infuriates you. The ump yells OOOOUUUUUUTTTTT! You throw down your Louisville Slugger in disgust, turning to him -in his not so infinite wisdom- and scream, kick, and curse your way to being thrown out. Never mind that this little tantrum is going to have repercussions, you don't care. Its not fair. Not fair that something that was so perfect could then be questioned, glanced at, and then forced from your grasp.
You can convince yourself later that you didn't care about that pitch, that out. Everyone knows that is a lie. But its fine.
Wednesday, April 04, 2007
Do you ever wonder ???
What the soundtrack of your life would be? Obviously it would be long, but have you ever really broken down your life like you would a movie?
Each segment or mini-plot line having its own theme, and therefore its own genre?
Okay, I commute. Today it took me 4.5 hours to get to work. Since this is obviously such an extreme expanse of my 24hrs, it should get a genre. How about...alternative rock. The kind of music that can range from slightly poppy to I-want-to-kill-myself-or-someone-in-the-car-next-to-me-because-their-music-sucks.... theme.
Then work, should be teen-beat style pop, (now channeling Britney and Lindsay) like :FCUK me...i am so hot and you want my job, don't worry, I'll become an addict because of the pressure and you can take it while I shave my head in a salon and chain smoke then do lines off of a skanky dude.....
Followed by vball, which should be angry, like... She F*ing HATES ME... and then mixed with Jay-z's 99 problems, or perhaps Danger Mouse's version...
Moving to family time, which would be oldies, maybe a nice Herman's Hermits tune... Henry VII?
Ending finally with sleep, bf and gf drama/interaction, and showering.... hum... perhaps “First Day of My Life” by Bright Eyes.
Yup, that seems like the best way to end my life soundtrack; with a song so hopelessly hopeful that one who has actually lived has nothing left to do but laugh at the implied irony, and one that is still awaiting life will smile and tear up a bit in anticipation.
Each segment or mini-plot line having its own theme, and therefore its own genre?
Okay, I commute. Today it took me 4.5 hours to get to work. Since this is obviously such an extreme expanse of my 24hrs, it should get a genre. How about...alternative rock. The kind of music that can range from slightly poppy to I-want-to-kill-myself-or-someone-in-the-car-next-to-me-because-their-music-sucks.... theme.
Then work, should be teen-beat style pop, (now channeling Britney and Lindsay) like :FCUK me...i am so hot and you want my job, don't worry, I'll become an addict because of the pressure and you can take it while I shave my head in a salon and chain smoke then do lines off of a skanky dude.....
Followed by vball, which should be angry, like... She F*ing HATES ME... and then mixed with Jay-z's 99 problems, or perhaps Danger Mouse's version...
Moving to family time, which would be oldies, maybe a nice Herman's Hermits tune... Henry VII?
Ending finally with sleep, bf and gf drama/interaction, and showering.... hum... perhaps “First Day of My Life” by Bright Eyes.
Yup, that seems like the best way to end my life soundtrack; with a song so hopelessly hopeful that one who has actually lived has nothing left to do but laugh at the implied irony, and one that is still awaiting life will smile and tear up a bit in anticipation.
Tuesday, April 03, 2007
Oh the spring...
Spring time in the city. Beautiful. Cherry blossoms surround the waters of the Potomac, the birds chirp, and the tourists appear in droves. Yes, tourists, this posting is for you.
You, fine people, are the Rolex on our already established city. We, the locals love that you come to our city, steeped in history which we have no time to appreciate, to spend your money. Other than your "hard-earned family vacation spending money", we don't like you. We tolerate you, and oftentimes not well.
You further clog our already teeming streets with your touring buses violently expelling your country-bumpkin attitudes: obviously disregarding pedestrian traffic signals, calling for cabs when you alone weighing 600lbs could not fit in the grand marquis-much less your two 300lbs 6yr olds and 700lb wife, and becoming the inevitable cherry blossom snarl in which you insist that parking lot is free thus you must park there; god help us locals just trying to get home around your mini-vans from Arkansas.
You folks, are the reason other nations hate us. Your blatant disregard for all laws, social graces, and cleanliness push our fair city into the dark ages for the warm months of spring and summer. Those of us who live/work in the national capital region prefer to mind our own business, not answer your directional queries. We are not lifeguards to save you from the hunger pains of our vast metropolis; we prefer in fact, to maintain our definitive stroke, speedy and uninterrupted by your negligence.
If you visit the NCR, please plan accordingly. Make a plan. Know the difference between the inner and outer beltway and what that implies to your trip to the African American history museum in Anacostia. Don't drive 2mi/hr and photograph monuments/landmarks (you could be plotting a terrorist attack, and we would recognize that fact and warn the appropriate authorities).
Avoid walking into the street in front of our cars. Most of us have been in them for hours or will be, thus we will have no problems scaring the hell out of you, capping you, or mowing you over for the points we paint on the fender to show off to our friends. Beware, the faster you move the higher your point value.
Finally, when on the metro, stay out of our way. We are going to make that train arriving, and if we have to take you with us lineman-style, we have no issues with that. In fact, if you land on us we might sue you. When you head up/down the escalator, stand with all your crap on the right side. Do not mosey over to the left. This is for serious commuters who have an SOP, and will refuse to take any of your ambling bullshit.
Just a friendly FYI from your NCR workers.
You, fine people, are the Rolex on our already established city. We, the locals love that you come to our city, steeped in history which we have no time to appreciate, to spend your money. Other than your "hard-earned family vacation spending money", we don't like you. We tolerate you, and oftentimes not well.
You further clog our already teeming streets with your touring buses violently expelling your country-bumpkin attitudes: obviously disregarding pedestrian traffic signals, calling for cabs when you alone weighing 600lbs could not fit in the grand marquis-much less your two 300lbs 6yr olds and 700lb wife, and becoming the inevitable cherry blossom snarl in which you insist that parking lot is free thus you must park there; god help us locals just trying to get home around your mini-vans from Arkansas.
You folks, are the reason other nations hate us. Your blatant disregard for all laws, social graces, and cleanliness push our fair city into the dark ages for the warm months of spring and summer. Those of us who live/work in the national capital region prefer to mind our own business, not answer your directional queries. We are not lifeguards to save you from the hunger pains of our vast metropolis; we prefer in fact, to maintain our definitive stroke, speedy and uninterrupted by your negligence.
If you visit the NCR, please plan accordingly. Make a plan. Know the difference between the inner and outer beltway and what that implies to your trip to the African American history museum in Anacostia. Don't drive 2mi/hr and photograph monuments/landmarks (you could be plotting a terrorist attack, and we would recognize that fact and warn the appropriate authorities).
Avoid walking into the street in front of our cars. Most of us have been in them for hours or will be, thus we will have no problems scaring the hell out of you, capping you, or mowing you over for the points we paint on the fender to show off to our friends. Beware, the faster you move the higher your point value.
Finally, when on the metro, stay out of our way. We are going to make that train arriving, and if we have to take you with us lineman-style, we have no issues with that. In fact, if you land on us we might sue you. When you head up/down the escalator, stand with all your crap on the right side. Do not mosey over to the left. This is for serious commuters who have an SOP, and will refuse to take any of your ambling bullshit.
Just a friendly FYI from your NCR workers.
Thursday, March 29, 2007
a minced version of my letter to the devil/fighting chicken.
Hey El Diablo!
I only had limited knowledge of the last few get-togethers, and I was busy with my Juniors volleyball teams, I think. I appreciate the offer and I will definitely see what I can do to work in a visit. I will be down in Raleigh that weekend for a wedding reception, and I am going to try to truck it over to graduation the next morning. I am not sure what the specifics your plans are, but please keep me informed ; I will try to drag GZ out of the hotel bed to make the drive to [school] too! Don't worry about me, I am movin' up the ranks here in DC [work] , coaching some great [girls], and traveling a ton. GZ is in Africa right now, but when she gets back I'll tell her (I am assuming that is okay) and we will see what we can do. As for you, I hope law school is finishing up well, and you are happy with everything. Tell the [other ho-bags] I say Hey! Don't worry, I wouldn't stay away because of you, I understand that you probably need/ed some time without Brez nor me around. It makes sense. I hope everything is going well and I am sure I will talk to you later!
Essentially, everything I wrote was an outright lie. With the exception of how awesome I am, and the fact that I will be at a wedding. I don't think I have ever felt so terrible while writing a letter before. Jesus. Apparently I have grown into an honest person. Damn. I would have been a great villain. too bad. I suppose now I will have to continue in my fight against the dark side.
I only had limited knowledge of the last few get-togethers, and I was busy with my Juniors volleyball teams, I think. I appreciate the offer and I will definitely see what I can do to work in a visit. I will be down in Raleigh that weekend for a wedding reception, and I am going to try to truck it over to graduation the next morning. I am not sure what the specifics your plans are, but please keep me informed ; I will try to drag GZ out of the hotel bed to make the drive to [school] too! Don't worry about me, I am movin' up the ranks here in DC [work] , coaching some great [girls], and traveling a ton. GZ is in Africa right now, but when she gets back I'll tell her (I am assuming that is okay) and we will see what we can do. As for you, I hope law school is finishing up well, and you are happy with everything. Tell the [other ho-bags] I say Hey! Don't worry, I wouldn't stay away because of you, I understand that you probably need/ed some time without Brez nor me around. It makes sense. I hope everything is going well and I am sure I will talk to you later!
Essentially, everything I wrote was an outright lie. With the exception of how awesome I am, and the fact that I will be at a wedding. I don't think I have ever felt so terrible while writing a letter before. Jesus. Apparently I have grown into an honest person. Damn. I would have been a great villain. too bad. I suppose now I will have to continue in my fight against the dark side.
Wednesday, March 28, 2007
Social Anxiety Disorder, Thoughts, and El Diablo.
Today, driving into work I had plenty of time to think. I hate it when that happens. Normally I reserve my drive for mindless activity and a complete lack of analysis. Damn it. I just couldn't avoid it any longer.
So... as I was sitting there listening to my morning show, they brought up Social Anxiety Disorder. I of course have never been to anyone that would possibly think of analyzing me, so I have avoided any disorder labels as of present. However, just because I haven't gone doesn't mean I shouldn't have. The DJ started talking about SAD (oh how I love the acronym) and how it is basically the anxiety that consumes one when they are forced to interact with others.
So... as I was sitting there listening to my morning show, they brought up Social Anxiety Disorder. I of course have never been to anyone that would possibly think of analyzing me, so I have avoided any disorder labels as of present. However, just because I haven't gone doesn't mean I shouldn't have. The DJ started talking about SAD (oh how I love the acronym) and how it is basically the anxiety that consumes one when they are forced to interact with others.
In cognitive models of Social Anxiety Disorder, social phobics experience dread over how they will be presented to others. They may be overly self-conscious, pay high self-attention after the activity, or have high performance standards for themselves. According to the social psychology theory of self-presentation, a sufferer attempts to create a well-mannered impression on others but believes he or she is unable to do so. Many times, prior to the potentially anxiety-provoking social situation, sufferers may deliberate over what could go wrong and how to deal with each unexpected case. After the event, they may have the perception they performed unsatisfactorily. Consequently, they will review anything that may have possibly been abnormal or embarrassing. These thoughts do not just terminate soon after the encounter, but may extend for weeks or longer.[8] Those with social phobia tend to interpret neutral or ambiguous conversations with a negative outlook and although still inconclusive, some studies suggest that socially anxious individuals remember more negative memories than those less distressed.[9] An example of an instance may be that of an employee presenting to his co-workers. During the presentation, the person may stutter a word upon which he or she may worry that other people significantly noticed and think that he or she is a terrible presenter. This cognitive thought propels further anxiety which may lead to further stuttering, sweating and a possible panic attack.Feared activities may include almost any type of social interaction, especially small groups, dating, parties, talking to strangers, restaurants, etc. Physical symptoms include "mind going blank", fast heartbeat, blushing, stomach ache.(taken from wikipedia's Social Anxiety page)
I think this describes me to a T. Unfortunately that might be one of the
reasons I'm a work-a-holic, because I think I am afraid that if I leave I will
miss something, and thus will be judged as a less than awesome worker. It is stupid I realize, because I know deep down that I am very intelligent and should not worry in any circumstances that I would be judged unfavorably, however, things like the "Captain Learner" keep cropping up in my life, and it certainly doesn't help.I wish I could be the girl that doesn't have any issues with people like the Brez. Man, I wish I could get over this stupid thought process, because I would be unstoppable! Amazingly enough, I have gotten a lot better about this, I now don't puke every time I have to talk to people en masse. LOL Trust and believe, that is a huge stride. That doesn't mean that I don't over-analyze every little thing that happens everyday. Was my boss smiling at me? Or leering? Does my other boss think I am just hot and ignore everything else that I do/am? What happens if I am less hot, would he want to fire me or feel bad and keep me around? Jesus. I have to stop that crap. I have to tell myself that people look at me initially for the Scarlett effect and then work their way to the brain. Ugh.
Okay, Now that I am having palpitations, I need to move on to El Diablo. She is the brez's ex, and boy would I like to give her a new personality. Granted she probably shouldn't love me, but I really didn't do anything but break girl code. I am dating her ex and she was a suite mate of mine. Although I will now admit I secretly thought that Brez was way to good for her, I never made inappropriate advances, and waited until they had been apart for months (and living in separate regions). She has vilified me in every way possible, spread vicious rumors, and even tried to take him back with out my knowledge. Basically she is really mean and spite full, and as a result of her I have been ostracized by those I formerly viewed as friends. Whatever. I had managed to push her from my mind for a long time until recently when I discovered her attempts to get brez back, which he failed to mention to me... and then again yesterday when she sent me a facebook message. Saying, she is happy for me, she hears from brez that I work a lot, and that she doesn't want to be the thing that keeps our former group divided. Biatch!
You El Diablo, are the reason I loathe my former school. There are of course shining beacons of true friendship that I maintain, but you have singularly managed to force group disownent of a formerly well-received me. I hate you. I hate you because you have forced me to question every friendship, grade, event, and even the validity of my relationship with Brez; who consequentially might be my perfect match. I hate you more than I can possibly put down in words. In fact my hold on the aforementioned SAD was quite good until you struck like a god-damned hurricane, spawning little tornadoes, and a major flood in your wake.
I know what you are doing, telling me that you are still here. You think that I should know that you still, and always will, matter. You want people to believe that it is not you that shun me, rather that I am to blame. You want to clear your conscious because you know that you ruined a large portion of my formerly perceived life. And finally You know that I have moved on, and You want to ruin that for me.
Yes, you are a bitch. I will always hate you. However, I will not play your game. I will not stoop. I am above you and everything that you stand for, your fake Christianity, and your fake morality. I don't have to go to a non-accredited school, I had the job remember? I am above it all. I know that although you are a terrible memory of my past, you should not influence me, nor my actions now. You have in one fell swoop forced me to realize that those people that still talk to me are the ones that I should worry about, hang out with, and care for. So thanks.
Thanks for all that drama. All the tears, all the smears, all the fears. Thanks for making people tell me what they really thought. Thanks for thinking that I was cool enough for that threesome, or that orgy. Thanks for hating the fact that I could not study and do better than you. Finally, thanks for Brez, even if you have scarred him too, and our relationship.
So I'll write you back. I will tell you that I will be down there and I'll see you at graduation. I'll be there for my friend's wedding. I'll be happy to smile and wave, hug you ho-bags, and then be on my merry and successful way. And Thanks Again.
Captain Lerner.
With her L emblazoned upon her super tight super hero outfit, Captain Learner proceeds to capture the imagination of all with her amazing learning abilities and 3% whit. Stand amazed and in AWE of…… CAPTAIN LEARNER
Thanks to a few smarta$$es I work with, I have now been dubbed Captain Learner due to my annual review. That's right, the girl who works 60-70 hr work weeks and is responsible for productivity of whole divisions is below needs improvement. A learner, most definately the bottom of the grading scale. I think if I was not in negotiations to become a superior of my current manager, I would have quit on principle. The best part was the 4 page form was entirely blank. She told me that my 6 months on the job did not warrent her actually writing anything. Nice. I am so inconsequential that I don't even warrent a comment. Ho-bag. Just wait till I surpass her, I never forget crap like this.
Thursday, February 15, 2007
Oh... snow on V-Day...
So... It was a mess yesterday. I ordered a giant chocolate-chip cookie and browines for the Brez, to be delivered at 9pm. Losers! That's right Insomnia... I'm talking to you. You better have f-ing fantastic cookies and brownies, because they were 3 hours late. On VDAY! You can't even say it had to do with the damnned weather cause you operate in the damn arctic tundra!!!! I will give you props for delivering to the bar, but work with me here!
I didn't have power most of the day, so i slept. That's right. I didn't clean the 2 inches of ice off my car, I laid under a giant blanket and used my cats as hot water bottles.
I didn't have power most of the day, so i slept. That's right. I didn't clean the 2 inches of ice off my car, I laid under a giant blanket and used my cats as hot water bottles.
Tuesday, February 06, 2007
Valentine's Day.
I have bought a nice little grouping of things for brez which i had planned on sending him for v-day. Surprising no one, this makes me sad. I have had these things for a while, and I am now just staring at them from my bed every night, wondering.
I can't sleep. I can't be happy for the future, because there is no real looming resolution to the fact that i technically have a boyfriend, but it can only really be labeled as technical at this point; because pending a determination of what a boyfriend should actually be... its limited to technical.
What should a boyfriend be? Someone whom you love? Someone that understands you? Someone that makes you laugh? Sure. The question however, remains, how exactly is that different than a friend? I have friends that serve the same function. I love them, they sometimes understand me better than i do, and make me feel better on a continual basis. Male or female, isn't that what qualifies as a friend?
Everytime I think about it, i want to bawl, curl up in a little ball, and dream it all away. Especially because i do love him.
I can't sleep. I can't be happy for the future, because there is no real looming resolution to the fact that i technically have a boyfriend, but it can only really be labeled as technical at this point; because pending a determination of what a boyfriend should actually be... its limited to technical.
What should a boyfriend be? Someone whom you love? Someone that understands you? Someone that makes you laugh? Sure. The question however, remains, how exactly is that different than a friend? I have friends that serve the same function. I love them, they sometimes understand me better than i do, and make me feel better on a continual basis. Male or female, isn't that what qualifies as a friend?
Everytime I think about it, i want to bawl, curl up in a little ball, and dream it all away. Especially because i do love him.
Monday, February 05, 2007
On Dating.
Currently I am in love with the brez. I went to Boston to see him in October of 2005, and ever since I have been flying back and forth with him, spending vacations with him and his family, and generally enjoying all the time I spent with him. Right now, he has moved to MI, for law school, leaving me (although basically the same distance) rather despondent and honestly minorly bewildered. Basically, I know that his options were limited, and in order to pursue this education he had to move. Now, I see him (hopefully) once a month, and solely at my expenditure. We talk every day for roughly a combined hour, and that's that. I know he loves me, and would not cheat on me, so its not that I am especially worried. More that I have come to realize that we are both growing as adults, with our jobs, family, and economics as catalysts.
Originally when we started this long-distance, we were relatively stable. Since then my job/field of employment/class status has changed drastically, sometimes multiple times. I have grown into an accomplished member of the upper-middle class who has bright prospects for the near future and the leap into the non-middle class and independence that not many women (much less my age) have a shot at. He is back to the world of a student. Loans in abundance, a boarder with a late-30s woman, in a place that might as well be the barren Arctic tundra.
I am back to coaching and thank god, because if i didn't have that as a distraction, I would be significantly more angry and sad than I already am. I suppose I will just maintain those distractions for the future. As it is, I have lost weight, (although I'm not sure how much because I don't own a scale and don't have time to find one) started swimming on the days that I'm not coaching, and generally attempting to occupy myself, my mind, and every waking moment.
Basically, i am about as lonely as it gets, starting my masters, and functioning as a career-driven, exercise-fueled drone who happens to be pissed that she doesn't have anyone to watch sports with, nor (completely by her own doing) have time to take her suits to the cleaners, much less to get them altered. So I'm walking around in pants that are clearly too big for me.
Recently I found myself left wondering why all my previously significant others are either married or engaged to the next girl they dated after me, but no one ever asked me anything that would put me anywhere near that. Granted, if I wanted to quit my life and move to Raleigh to live with a CEO, I'm pretty sure I would be married in a month, but that’s not happening. Not yet anyway. Does it make me a little uneasy that right after me everyone gets hitched? Yes. Mostly because I can’t explain why them and not me.
Now I know, these all seem like inconsequential things to be concerned with, and yes, they are. However, everyone has their issues. No matter how inconsequential they really are in the broad sweeping scheme of things.
Originally when we started this long-distance, we were relatively stable. Since then my job/field of employment/class status has changed drastically, sometimes multiple times. I have grown into an accomplished member of the upper-middle class who has bright prospects for the near future and the leap into the non-middle class and independence that not many women (much less my age) have a shot at. He is back to the world of a student. Loans in abundance, a boarder with a late-30s woman, in a place that might as well be the barren Arctic tundra.
I am back to coaching and thank god, because if i didn't have that as a distraction, I would be significantly more angry and sad than I already am. I suppose I will just maintain those distractions for the future. As it is, I have lost weight, (although I'm not sure how much because I don't own a scale and don't have time to find one) started swimming on the days that I'm not coaching, and generally attempting to occupy myself, my mind, and every waking moment.
Basically, i am about as lonely as it gets, starting my masters, and functioning as a career-driven, exercise-fueled drone who happens to be pissed that she doesn't have anyone to watch sports with, nor (completely by her own doing) have time to take her suits to the cleaners, much less to get them altered. So I'm walking around in pants that are clearly too big for me.
Recently I found myself left wondering why all my previously significant others are either married or engaged to the next girl they dated after me, but no one ever asked me anything that would put me anywhere near that. Granted, if I wanted to quit my life and move to Raleigh to live with a CEO, I'm pretty sure I would be married in a month, but that’s not happening. Not yet anyway. Does it make me a little uneasy that right after me everyone gets hitched? Yes. Mostly because I can’t explain why them and not me.
Now I know, these all seem like inconsequential things to be concerned with, and yes, they are. However, everyone has their issues. No matter how inconsequential they really are in the broad sweeping scheme of things.
It has been a long time
For a while, this blog served as my creative/emotional outlet while dealing with the changes in my life. Understandably, I figured things out, dealt with life in my own way, and then slowly didn't need the outlet anymore. Recently my life has ... changed a bit, so i am again facing new challenges. So, here I am back at the blogging, and re-reading past accounts and laughing at all the things I had forgotten.
Friday, February 02, 2007
I am excited.
I am excited that I didn’t get in a disastrous accident this morning. I was close. Probably going a bit too fast, down onto some "black ice" and I lost control and started spinning. Now thinking about it, I don’t remember seeing anything but the tree I was aiming for and then the car right after that. It’s actually amazing that my body was reacting and steering like a crazy person. Cool. You go body. And thanks… for working it out.
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