Years have passed.

This post is both the end and the begining of two parts of life. The end of starting to stimulate, and the moving on to disaffected in youth. Why?
My life has changed radically in the year or so since my last post; I got married, bought a house, and got promoted twice. I am no longer an early twenties girl that didn't understand her purpose in life... Now I'm a late twenties woman that doesn't understand her purpose in life.
Friends and family tell me that they are proud of me now that I'm an adult that can take care of herself. Honestly, I'm now a little less confident in my ability to do that, but I put on a good show I suppose.
Reality has set in, and although I am slightly older... That fact doesn't seem to help me. I'm amoungst the youngest in my field, and now I'm....*duh duh duhhhhhhhnnnnn* management.
I'm sure if I had stayed at the non-supervisory level I would be at the top of my game, feeling like no one could touch me and my analytical skills.
Instead... Surpising no one that has read this, I took-hold of everything that looked like an opportunity, and held on with every last fibre of myself.
I fought, scratched, and clawed my way to promotion after promotion; worked long hours and weekends, and managed to survive.
I realized along the way though, that surviving was not going to sustain life. My life especially, because I was no longer resillient. I stopped wanting to work, wanting to rebel and play video games all day in my glasses and pajamas. I was disaffected, dejected, and disappointed in the world.
I still am, although I am learning to deal with it. So with that, I will end seriously, and move to this new blog, disaffected.
I hope that this catalouge of life has entertained, but I know selfishly there are very few that have probably been allowed to read it. It has been a coping method, an exercise in determination and relaxation, and a sign that in life there are always thing that need renewal and lack the requirement for justification.
I have written for me, and I have enjoyed it.

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why do I have to work so hard?

Is it me? Is it a compulsion to be perfect? or is it actually all those extra forces that are providing their influence and general impact? Is it bad that I have worked overtime everyday this week? Or is it merely a sign of my dedication...

Today is one of those days that I wish I could be like some of my friends. You know the kid. The one that is the life of the party because that is all they do... they don't work (or if they do it's something fun, hip, and inherently cooler than anything I have done) they don't take life seriously... Essentially college me... just with money.

Somehow I have become this uber-driven-manically-motivated crazy person. I know that I stand a chance at incredible success for someone like me (meaning: age, sex, and field of employment), and just the thought of that possibility drives me to crazy lengths. For example... work WAY above my pay grade. Essentially, I am just above bottom of the barrel as for as my pay is concerned, but in work and responsibility, I have taken a giant leap for mankind. Basically I'm skipping over a few steps... and taking on a lead position. I don't blame them for putting me up to it...i am really the only one who knows anything about the project, and certainly the only one that can get it finished. However, that doesn't mean that I am actually qualified. I'm basically a wicked-awesome 12yr old. There is no reasonable reason why I should be supervising the people I am. In fact, it’s quite ridiculous.

The funny part is that I am actually really good at my job, and I have been here long enough to understand how the place works and who to talk to to accomplish what I need to do. All that at 12. If you stuck me anywhere else, I wouldn't be able to do it. Here, I have the applied knowledge that makes me valuable. Oh... and I'm not a b*tch. Not generally anyways. People like me, and those who don't resent me enjoy working with me. Cool. I occasionally have these moments of... "HOLY SHIT" "THERE IS NO WAY I SHOULD BE DOING THIS!!!" and "WTF...Me? Really?" Which in earnest, I am currently experiencing. I guess I can't do anything but what I am... just work my butt off and hope for the best. I haven't screwed anything up yet, so that is a bonus. .. Especially since the repercussions would be... insurmountable.

Right... no pressure... It's fine.

great quote.

Listen. You don't have to wear a suit to demonstrate your power... but it certainly helps. funny that even drag queens realize that.

It's amazing how much you can hate someone.

El Diablo. Strikes again. I live with brez now, and today I finished work, then came back to the apt picked up his mac... looked at facebook, and found an email from his ex in his inbox. 

Alright, I could have logged off and then logged back in as myself, but we have alot of the same friends, and i wanted to see what people had written to my bro on his birthday... so i didn't. 

I fucking hate her. It blows me away how much I really hate her. She is probably the only person in the world that i would openly contemplate whacking. How sad is that? 

It's not like I think brez was doing anything suspect with her, but that doesn't even matter. I am heinous. Incredibly jealous. I try really hard to keep it together, but I think because I was maybe a bit conniving in my past dealings with guys and their sig others, i know what chicks think, thus i want to avoid any possible issues. 

Fuck. Another girl... grimy formerly had some "interaction" with brez, she was my friend, and I didn't know about anything. We were not together, so I didn't think it mattered. Then, I invited her to my bday shindig... which ended up being a surprise engagement announcement. She saw the ring, and instantly i understood that everything was not over for her. 

Her eyes glazed over with the same intense hatred that i feel for El Diablo, which made it that much easier for me to pick up... and she says... "Well, I knew that you two were dating, but no one expected it to last... we all thought you were his rebound chick." With animalistic precision, my claws were out. Fight or flight hit, and I wanted nothing less than her head in the Potomac.

I kept myself together, tried not to get catty, and remembered that people were there because they liked me... not her. A little solace in the girl world. 

In the end, it wasn't because i could picture her kissing my man... but because I knew that she still wanted to. It is because when it all comes down to the real truth of things... i love him, and for once, i really care, I'm uncharacteristically vulnerable. Frankly it bugs the shit out of me.  

btw. I'm engaged to brez. did i say that? I love him, and I'm happy, just (notsurprisingly) super stressed about the whole thing.
I'm in a new job. I like it, and I think I'll be really good at it one day, but for now, I'm getting alot of... are you right out of college? riiiight. I want to scream. Its fine.
My mother has apparently given up all rights to helping with wedding planning, so I'm left to it. my friend found out I had gone dress shopping alone, and called me a freak?
I know I said that already, but damn. its just a dresss. I do alot of things alone, so why not that? Funnily enough, I'm so used to it, alone feels normal, and with people seems strange. But I'm okay with that, it just seeems that everyone else is not. Not sure why.
Junk like girlie bonding just isn't my thing. There is so much pressure, judging, commentary. I never have, never will, really understood it.
This is the stuff that weddings are made of. Which reminds me of why I wanted to avoid marriage, or elope, if at all.
meanwhile. back to work. just don't move your neck.

WTF?

Apparently I am crappy at having friends. My girls are all mad at me for some reason about the dress, and think I’m a freak for going alone. I knew they were all busy, so I did what I had to do I guess. Plus, they don’t have cars, so to shop by me, they would have had to take the metro from silver spring to branch, and then I would have had to pick them up and drive back then drive them back. Wtf? That is a lot of hassle just to have people watch me put on a bunch of dresses. And… I’m just a little bit stressed right now, so any spare moment is going towards whatever I can squeeze out of my brain. Brez keeps calling me with new apts and houses to look at, I missed tib’s shower, and I’m doing a new job that is crazy hard. And last night I slept strangely so now I want to cry everytime I move my neck.
So. Am I a weirdo?

Update, rant, and future

First, I've lost 25lbs. Way to go me. Brez has lost more, and looks fantastic. Actually both of us look pretty damn good. Yea for that.

I went to Virgin Fest, it was fan-f-ing-tastic. Even in the sweltering heat and the continuous downpour, I had a blast. It did however serve as a tool of confirmation of my aged status. I am a 40yr old. I happily sat on a blanket in the back and grooved, then for a few of the more benign shows I migrated to the front and half-danced.

Funnily enough I still enjoyed myself, regardless of the fact that in the past I would have been moshing with the best of them. Now, I can't afford to get hurt, don't want to deal with illegal substances floating about if I can avoid them, and just generally am there for the music and nothing else. Sad, but true. The asian doesn't feel old, she maintains that I had to make a drastic leap from punky-college kid to responsible suit-wearing-serious-job worker, thus causing me to mourn the demise of lost punk. She is totally right. I wish I could go back to responsibility free living, I had no idea what awesome opportunity to screw up I was presented with! Damn. Damn. Damn.

Damn that lost opportunity to be a crack-head. Damn the possibility to be a pro-athlete, a cop, a pilot, or even a weather girl. Shot. All those childish hopes and dreams that one day I could grow up to be so many things. I think in the end I knew I would turn out like this, mourning my former-self and reveling in the crazy/cool things I did actually do. Mistakes were common, and people were fleeting. It happens. I suppose I'll move on, and try to be the most successful adult I can be.

I'm still in negotiations with my future employer, they are bitches, and I'm contemplating walking from the offer. I have waited this long for something mildly workable, and now I'm just nearing fury and resentment at the BS that has been this process. I wonder now, if I can commit to years of employment with people that are possibly retarded, and at least severely lacking in foresight. Then upon continued reflection, I remember that:

"Those who are going to be in business tomorrow are those who understand that the future, as always, belongs to the brave."
William Bernbach

In theory, if I am brave enough to deal with the excessive amounts of crap now... I'll win out in the future. That's the theory anyway.

Norman Borlaug VS Albert Gore

At a time when doom-sayers were hopping around saying everyone was going to starve, Norman was working. He moved to Mexico and lived among the people there until he figured out how to improve the output of the farmers. So that saved a million lives.

The he packed up his family and moved to India, where in spite of a war with Pakistan, he managed to introduce new wheat strains that quadrupled their food output. So that saved another million.

You get it? But he wasn't done. He did the same thing with a new rice in China. He's doing the same thing in Africa -- as much of Africa as he's allowed to visit.

When he won the Nobel Prize in 1970, they said he had saved a billion people. That's BILLION! Carl Sagan BILLION with a B! And most of them were a different race from him.

Norman is the greatest human being, and you probably never heard of him.
-- Penn Jillette, of the comedy team Penn and Teller

If there's one thread running through Borlaug's life it's doing -- acting with fierce determination. Working on a problem as fundamental as world hunger is a complicated business, and Borlaug is a complicated man, somehow balancing contradictions.

He is the scientist and the dirt farmer; the advocate of common sense and the master of political subtleties; the humanitarian and the pugnacious fighter; the idealist and the consultant to governments of every political ideology. He has been called a peaceful revolutionary, and the tension in that term - between benevolence and aggressiveness - seems particularly apt.
- From the University of Minnesota College of Agriculture, Food and Environmental Science

Norman Borlaug is credited with actually saving a billion lives from starvation. He is an advocate of increasing crop yields to stop deforestation, has benefited many multiple nations, and has won the trifecta of the most prestigious awards for an American citizen: Nobel Peace Prize, the Presidential Medal of Freedom and the Congressional Gold Medal. There are only 4 others in history to have won this combination; Martin Luther King Jr., Mother Teresa, Nelson Mandela, and Elie Wiesel. He just last week received the Congressional Gold Medal, at the age of 93, having likely benefited one out of every seven people on the earth.

Not bad for a guy who no one knows. He said this about lobbyists "some of the environmental lobbyists of the Western nations are the salt of the earth, but many of them are elitists. They've never experienced the physical sensation of hunger. They do their lobbying from comfortable office suites in Washington or Brussels. If they lived just one month amid the misery of the developing world, as I have for fifty years, they'd be crying out for tractors and fertilizer and irrigation canals and be outraged that fashionable elitists back home were trying to deny them these things"

Now contrast this man with the current "leader" of the world's movement to protest climate change. Albert Gore, former Vice President and now spokesman for the environment has developed into a lobbyist. He has won an academy award for his documentary, "The Assault on Reason." He has authored multiple books on the subject, and is credited with the re-establishment of the environmental movement, launching his 7 step pledge to climate focused action.

Both men have received notoriety for their work, spread awareness, and possibly benefited people. Great. But you you honestly believe that the 11 live earth concerts held globally benefited the earth? The Live Nation group (based out of Beverly hills ca) has said that they took measures such as LED lighting, recycling, and urged people to used public transportation, and the rest of their environmental impact would be offset by purchasing Carbon Credits.

Where have all the hippies gone? Do they honestly believe that purchasing carbon credits will offset the impact of those 11 concerts? If Al Gore is the new activist, then hopefully we will find double the Norman Borlaugs in the future to offset their impact. Is this an effort to clear Gore's conscious from the lack of success in getting the US to adopt the Kyoto Protocol in the first place? Personally I would feel like a failure if during my vice presidency I was named the chair of an Earth Summit, and then I couldn't get my own government, and president to send it to the Congress, much less vote on it.

Its sad that a man can actually save lives, and yet in our contrived public view, its the man with the media backing that wins the popular promulgation.

Goofy, HP, Periwinkle, and Vera.

Stand out!!! above the crowd... even if you have to shout out loud... http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-HcqCFva-Gc&mode=related&search==

So, I have spent a good portion of the weekend with this song stuck in my head. This may seem strange, but I watched my DVRed version of "A Goofy Movie" this weekend, and thinking back to childhood, I decided that this movie was a perfect introspective of my kiddie experience. Basically the whole plot is to reinforce that you can do anything you set your mind to, and that no matter what, if you stay true to yourself you will win in the end. I have to credit Disney on this movie. Not only does it finish with a Prince-esque singer rocking out to the two most confidence boosting songs ever... its a cute story.

Got myself a notion-And one I know that you'll understand-To set the world in
motion by reaching out for each other's hand-Maybe we'll discover-What we shoulda
known all along-One way or another, together's where we both belong-If we listen
to each other's heart-We'll find we're never too far apart-And maybe love is a
reason why-For the first time ever, we're seein' it I-2-I-If a wall should come
between us-Too high to climb, too hard to break through-I know that love'll lead
us-And find a way to bring me to you-So don't be in a hurry-Think before you count
us out-You don't have to worry-I won't ever let you drown(Nothing's gonna stop us
now)-If we listen to each other's heart-We'll find we're never too far apart-And
maybe love is a reason why-For the first time ever, we're seein' it I-2-I-Love is
why we're seein' it I-2-I(Yes, we are seein' it I-2-I)Seein' it I-2(Love is why
we're seein' it)I think we're seein' it I-2-I(I-2-I)2-IWe're seein' it
I-2-I(I-2-I!)

If you're ever lonely, then stop!You don't have to be-After all,
it's only a beat away from you to me(Take a look inside and see)If we listen to
each other's heart-We'll find we're never too far apart-And maybe love is a reason
why-For the first time ever, we're seein' it I-2-I-Seein' it I-2Seein' it
I-2-IWe're seein' it I-2-I, babyFor the first timeFor the first timeI-2-ISeein't
itSeein' it, babySeein' it I-2For the first time everHey yeahSeein' it,
babyWe're seein' it I-2-ISeein' it(C'mon, baby)I-2-II-2-II-2-II-2-IYeahI-2-I!

Artist: Tevin Campbell Song: Stand Out
Open up your eyes take a look at me-If the picture fits in your memory-I've been dreamin by the rythym like the beat of a heart-And i won't stop until I start to stand out-Some people settle for the typical thing-Livin' all their lives waitin' in the wings-It ain't a question of 'if', just a matter of time-Before I move to the front of the line-And once you're watchin' ev'ry move that I make-Ya gotta believe that I got what it takes(Chorus)-To stand out Above the crowd-Even if I gotta shout out loud-'Til mine is the only face you see-Gonna stand out 'til you notice me-If the squeaky wheels always gettin the greese-I'm totally devoted to disturbin the peace-And I'll do it all again, when I get it done-Until I become your number one-No method to the madness and means of escape-Gonna break every rule I'll bend them all out of shape-It ain't a question of 'how' just a matter of when-You get the message that I'm tryin to send-I'm under a spell, I'm in over my head-And you kno I'm going all of the way, till the end-To stand out Above the crowd-Even if I gotta shout out loud'Til mine is the only face you see-Gonna stand out 'til you notice me, yeah-If I could make you stop and take a look at me instead of just-Walkin' byThere's nothin' that I wouldn't do-If it was gettin' you to noticeI'm alive-All I need is half a chance, a second thought, a second glance'll proveI got whatever it takes-It's a piece of cake-To stand out-Above the crowd-Even if I gotta shout out loud-'Til mine is the only face you see-Gonna stand out-Stand out, heyStand out!(Yeah, yeah, yeah!)Stand out!(Hmph!)'Til mine's the only face you seeGonna stand out'Til you notice me

With that little promo out of the way, I got HP on sat morning at Target. You see, I'm a nerd, but I'm not going to stand in line and make my own costume or anything absurd like that. I think the key to dealing with intense nerdiness on a daily basis is ... balance. It was a beautiful weekend, I did not spend the whole thing reading. I enjoyed regular life, then got my geek on at night. Granted, I'm not finished with the book yet, but I am about half-way through, and I still made it into work on time. :)

Friday, I went to Ill's house to hang out with his boys and wife-e. She is super cute, and an awesome mom. She is my age, and I never would have imagined that someone could be that great at parenting at such a young age. Although technically I'm not 12, I still feel like it... and I could certainly never imagine to birth and care for two little boys with out killing myself. LOL I'm all honesty, I'm sure I could, but I would love not to. (ya hear that Brez?:) right. so back to the story. She is amazing. I felt like no matter what I could ever do to right the world, to benefit society, I would never be responsible for the establishment and growth of a human being. I think that's crazy cool. I don't think its something I want, but it's neat to see that it happens. I sat there on fri, with three couples and myself, playing cards and wishing that Brez was around so I wouldn't have to do it all alone. I still had a blast, but the nagging feeling remained. LOL and she (wife-e) thinks I look like Julia Styles. Which is cool.

My uncle had a heart attack, which stinks. However since this is the 4th round, at least we know the drill (sad but true). So, I spent most of the weekend with my mom distracting her from the fact that her bro was in bad shape. She requires retail therapy, so shopping we went.

Sat while she bought the entire homegoods store, and I lamented over weather 130 bucks was too much to spend on a summer dress. Even if it was Vera Wang and on sale, and a size 10, and it looked super cute on me... it's the end of july, and I rarely wear lavender. I called brez for advice... no answer. I paced the front of the store with the dress hanging around my neck. I texted. I calculated. I pictured myself wearing it. Wondered what I could wear it to. Finally I read the return policy, then decided that if I was later faced with an extreme case a VERA remorse, I could always bring it back. (knowing of course, that i never would.) I bought the dress, and I think I'm bringing it to MI this week. It might be a craptastic place that MI... (j/k) but I think everyone deserves a little Wang in their lives. (pardon the pun) :)

I brought the dress home, and told my father I wanted his opinion on it. I said, its lavender. He said... is that the same as periwinkle? (the only weird color name he knows I have a penchant for...) I laughed.

I took my mom for our monthly day of spa on sunday, and I bought a suit, and basic black pumps. I didn't even try the suit on. I have reached the point where I know which designers i can wear, and I can now just pick by color. It's kinda sad honestly. It made me feel like an old woman. Then as the girl was doing my hair, she abruptly stops and asks me if I'm rich. I laugh, (although I'm thinking riiiight... obviously this girl doesn't know me...) and reply, well no, I just happen to work hard for the money. She doesn't laugh, rather critically watches my expression... (and I'm still not sure if she just didn't believe me, or if she didn't get the joke).

This isn't the first time in recent memory that someone has been under that impression. Apparently I am often regarded as either rich or a snob. (actually, likely both) It is a little distressing for me because I came from the opposite; people who reverse-discriminate against the rich, and a stint during childhood on food stamps. I think I actually understand what it is going to be like in the future, what politicians go through, trying to explain how a person's past colors their interpretation of the future. I read an article in Newsweek discussing the new biography of Dick Cheney, and it seems that one cannot avoid becoming their job. It's a bit depressing, but realistic. Once you jump into the dark world of the future, there is no justification for you based on your past. You are only the present, and however you react is based on innate reaction to broad-spectrum analysis of the problem at hand. Therefore, once you become vice-president, it doesn't matter where you worked in Wy as a teenager. All that matters is what you do when you step into the new role. I think Cheney is as cold as he seems. He might be scary, impenetrable, and vehement, but he is clearly concerned. All the time. I don't necessarily agree with decisions he has made, but I still think credit is due. I may still think I came from the anti-richies, but in reality, I can continually protest those who believe certain things about me, but it wouldn't ever matter.