a minced version of my letter to the devil/fighting chicken.

Hey El Diablo!
I only had limited knowledge of the last few get-togethers, and I was busy with my Juniors volleyball teams, I think. I appreciate the offer and I will definitely see what I can do to work in a visit. I will be down in Raleigh that weekend for a wedding reception, and I am going to try to truck it over to graduation the next morning. I am not sure what the specifics your plans are, but please keep me informed ; I will try to drag GZ out of the hotel bed to make the drive to [school] too! Don't worry about me, I am movin' up the ranks here in DC [work] , coaching some great [girls], and traveling a ton. GZ is in Africa right now, but when she gets back I'll tell her (I am assuming that is okay) and we will see what we can do. As for you, I hope law school is finishing up well, and you are happy with everything. Tell the [other ho-bags] I say Hey! Don't worry, I wouldn't stay away because of you, I understand that you probably need/ed some time without Brez nor me around. It makes sense. I hope everything is going well and I am sure I will talk to you later!

Essentially, everything I wrote was an outright lie. With the exception of how awesome I am, and the fact that I will be at a wedding. I don't think I have ever felt so terrible while writing a letter before. Jesus. Apparently I have grown into an honest person. Damn. I would have been a great villain. too bad. I suppose now I will have to continue in my fight against the dark side.

Social Anxiety Disorder, Thoughts, and El Diablo.

Today, driving into work I had plenty of time to think. I hate it when that happens. Normally I reserve my drive for mindless activity and a complete lack of analysis. Damn it. I just couldn't avoid it any longer.
So... as I was sitting there listening to my morning show, they brought up Social Anxiety Disorder. I of course have never been to anyone that would possibly think of analyzing me, so I have avoided any disorder labels as of present. However, just because I haven't gone doesn't mean I shouldn't have. The DJ started talking about SAD (oh how I love the acronym) and how it is basically the anxiety that consumes one when they are forced to interact with others.

In cognitive models of Social Anxiety Disorder, social phobics experience dread over how they will be presented to others. They may be overly self-conscious, pay high self-attention after the activity, or have high performance standards for themselves. According to the social psychology theory of self-presentation, a sufferer attempts to create a well-mannered impression on others but believes he or she is unable to do so. Many times, prior to the potentially anxiety-provoking social situation, sufferers may deliberate over what could go wrong and how to deal with each unexpected case. After the event, they may have the perception they performed unsatisfactorily. Consequently, they will review anything that may have possibly been abnormal or embarrassing. These thoughts do not just terminate soon after the encounter, but may extend for weeks or longer.[8] Those with social phobia tend to interpret neutral or ambiguous conversations with a negative outlook and although still inconclusive, some studies suggest that socially anxious individuals remember more negative memories than those less distressed.[9] An example of an instance may be that of an employee presenting to his co-workers. During the presentation, the person may stutter a word upon which he or she may worry that other people significantly noticed and think that he or she is a terrible presenter. This cognitive thought propels further anxiety which may lead to further stuttering, sweating and a possible panic attack.

Feared activities may include almost any type of social interaction, especially small groups, dating, parties, talking to strangers, restaurants, etc. Physical symptoms include "mind going blank", fast heartbeat, blushing, stomach ache.(taken from wikipedia's Social Anxiety page)

I think this describes me to a T. Unfortunately that might be one of the
reasons I'm a work-a-holic, because I think I am afraid that if I leave I will
miss something, and thus will be judged as a less than awesome worker. It is stupid I realize, because I know deep down that I am very intelligent and should not worry in any circumstances that I would be judged unfavorably, however, things like the "Captain Learner" keep cropping up in my life, and it certainly doesn't help.

I wish I could be the girl that doesn't have any issues with people like the Brez. Man, I wish I could get over this stupid thought process, because I would be unstoppable! Amazingly enough, I have gotten a lot better about this, I now don't puke every time I have to talk to people en masse. LOL Trust and believe, that is a huge stride. That doesn't mean that I don't over-analyze every little thing that happens everyday. Was my boss smiling at me? Or leering? Does my other boss think I am just hot and ignore everything else that I do/am? What happens if I am less hot, would he want to fire me or feel bad and keep me around? Jesus. I have to stop that crap. I have to tell myself that people look at me initially for the Scarlett effect and then work their way to the brain. Ugh.

Okay, Now that I am having palpitations, I need to move on to El Diablo. She is the brez's ex, and boy would I like to give her a new personality. Granted she probably shouldn't love me, but I really didn't do anything but break girl code. I am dating her ex and she was a suite mate of mine. Although I will now admit I secretly thought that Brez was way to good for her, I never made inappropriate advances, and waited until they had been apart for months (and living in separate regions). She has vilified me in every way possible, spread vicious rumors, and even tried to take him back with out my knowledge. Basically she is really mean and spite full, and as a result of her I have been ostracized by those I formerly viewed as friends. Whatever. I had managed to push her from my mind for a long time until recently when I discovered her attempts to get brez back, which he failed to mention to me... and then again yesterday when she sent me a facebook message. Saying, she is happy for me, she hears from brez that I work a lot, and that she doesn't want to be the thing that keeps our former group divided. Biatch!

You El Diablo, are the reason I loathe my former school. There are of course shining beacons of true friendship that I maintain, but you have singularly managed to force group disownent of a formerly well-received me. I hate you. I hate you because you have forced me to question every friendship, grade, event, and even the validity of my relationship with Brez; who consequentially might be my perfect match. I hate you more than I can possibly put down in words. In fact my hold on the aforementioned SAD was quite good until you struck like a god-damned hurricane, spawning little tornadoes, and a major flood in your wake.

I know what you are doing, telling me that you are still here. You think that I should know that you still, and always will, matter. You want people to believe that it is not you that shun me, rather that I am to blame. You want to clear your conscious because you know that you ruined a large portion of my formerly perceived life. And finally You know that I have moved on, and You want to ruin that for me.

Yes, you are a bitch. I will always hate you. However, I will not play your game. I will not stoop. I am above you and everything that you stand for, your fake Christianity, and your fake morality. I don't have to go to a non-accredited school, I had the job remember? I am above it all. I know that although you are a terrible memory of my past, you should not influence me, nor my actions now. You have in one fell swoop forced me to realize that those people that still talk to me are the ones that I should worry about, hang out with, and care for. So thanks.

Thanks for all that drama. All the tears, all the smears, all the fears. Thanks for making people tell me what they really thought. Thanks for thinking that I was cool enough for that threesome, or that orgy. Thanks for hating the fact that I could not study and do better than you. Finally, thanks for Brez, even if you have scarred him too, and our relationship.

So I'll write you back. I will tell you that I will be down there and I'll see you at graduation. I'll be there for my friend's wedding. I'll be happy to smile and wave, hug you ho-bags, and then be on my merry and successful way. And Thanks Again.

Captain Lerner.

With her L emblazoned upon her super tight super hero outfit, Captain Learner proceeds to capture the imagination of all with her amazing learning abilities and 3% whit. Stand amazed and in AWE of…… CAPTAIN LEARNER

Thanks to a few smarta$$es I work with, I have now been dubbed Captain Learner due to my annual review. That's right, the girl who works 60-70 hr work weeks and is responsible for productivity of whole divisions is below needs improvement. A learner, most definately the bottom of the grading scale. I think if I was not in negotiations to become a superior of my current manager, I would have quit on principle. The best part was the 4 page form was entirely blank. She told me that my 6 months on the job did not warrent her actually writing anything. Nice. I am so inconsequential that I don't even warrent a comment. Ho-bag. Just wait till I surpass her, I never forget crap like this.