Oh... snow on V-Day...

So... It was a mess yesterday. I ordered a giant chocolate-chip cookie and browines for the Brez, to be delivered at 9pm. Losers! That's right Insomnia... I'm talking to you. You better have f-ing fantastic cookies and brownies, because they were 3 hours late. On VDAY! You can't even say it had to do with the damnned weather cause you operate in the damn arctic tundra!!!! I will give you props for delivering to the bar, but work with me here!

I didn't have power most of the day, so i slept. That's right. I didn't clean the 2 inches of ice off my car, I laid under a giant blanket and used my cats as hot water bottles.

Valentine's Day.

I have bought a nice little grouping of things for brez which i had planned on sending him for v-day. Surprising no one, this makes me sad. I have had these things for a while, and I am now just staring at them from my bed every night, wondering.

I can't sleep. I can't be happy for the future, because there is no real looming resolution to the fact that i technically have a boyfriend, but it can only really be labeled as technical at this point; because pending a determination of what a boyfriend should actually be... its limited to technical.

What should a boyfriend be? Someone whom you love? Someone that understands you? Someone that makes you laugh? Sure. The question however, remains, how exactly is that different than a friend? I have friends that serve the same function. I love them, they sometimes understand me better than i do, and make me feel better on a continual basis. Male or female, isn't that what qualifies as a friend?

Everytime I think about it, i want to bawl, curl up in a little ball, and dream it all away. Especially because i do love him.

On Dating.

Currently I am in love with the brez. I went to Boston to see him in October of 2005, and ever since I have been flying back and forth with him, spending vacations with him and his family, and generally enjoying all the time I spent with him. Right now, he has moved to MI, for law school, leaving me (although basically the same distance) rather despondent and honestly minorly bewildered. Basically, I know that his options were limited, and in order to pursue this education he had to move. Now, I see him (hopefully) once a month, and solely at my expenditure. We talk every day for roughly a combined hour, and that's that. I know he loves me, and would not cheat on me, so its not that I am especially worried. More that I have come to realize that we are both growing as adults, with our jobs, family, and economics as catalysts.

Originally when we started this long-distance, we were relatively stable. Since then my job/field of employment/class status has changed drastically, sometimes multiple times. I have grown into an accomplished member of the upper-middle class who has bright prospects for the near future and the leap into the non-middle class and independence that not many women (much less my age) have a shot at. He is back to the world of a student. Loans in abundance, a boarder with a late-30s woman, in a place that might as well be the barren Arctic tundra.

I am back to coaching and thank god, because if i didn't have that as a distraction, I would be significantly more angry and sad than I already am. I suppose I will just maintain those distractions for the future. As it is, I have lost weight, (although I'm not sure how much because I don't own a scale and don't have time to find one) started swimming on the days that I'm not coaching, and generally attempting to occupy myself, my mind, and every waking moment.

Basically, i am about as lonely as it gets, starting my masters, and functioning as a career-driven, exercise-fueled drone who happens to be pissed that she doesn't have anyone to watch sports with, nor (completely by her own doing) have time to take her suits to the cleaners, much less to get them altered. So I'm walking around in pants that are clearly too big for me.

Recently I found myself left wondering why all my previously significant others are either married or engaged to the next girl they dated after me, but no one ever asked me anything that would put me anywhere near that. Granted, if I wanted to quit my life and move to Raleigh to live with a CEO, I'm pretty sure I would be married in a month, but that’s not happening. Not yet anyway. Does it make me a little uneasy that right after me everyone gets hitched? Yes. Mostly because I can’t explain why them and not me.

Now I know, these all seem like inconsequential things to be concerned with, and yes, they are. However, everyone has their issues. No matter how inconsequential they really are in the broad sweeping scheme of things.

It has been a long time

For a while, this blog served as my creative/emotional outlet while dealing with the changes in my life. Understandably, I figured things out, dealt with life in my own way, and then slowly didn't need the outlet anymore. Recently my life has ... changed a bit, so i am again facing new challenges. So, here I am back at the blogging, and re-reading past accounts and laughing at all the things I had forgotten.

I am excited.

I am excited that I didn’t get in a disastrous accident this morning. I was close. Probably going a bit too fast, down onto some "black ice" and I lost control and started spinning. Now thinking about it, I don’t remember seeing anything but the tree I was aiming for and then the car right after that. It’s actually amazing that my body was reacting and steering like a crazy person. Cool. You go body. And thanks… for working it out.