On Dating.

Currently I am in love with the brez. I went to Boston to see him in October of 2005, and ever since I have been flying back and forth with him, spending vacations with him and his family, and generally enjoying all the time I spent with him. Right now, he has moved to MI, for law school, leaving me (although basically the same distance) rather despondent and honestly minorly bewildered. Basically, I know that his options were limited, and in order to pursue this education he had to move. Now, I see him (hopefully) once a month, and solely at my expenditure. We talk every day for roughly a combined hour, and that's that. I know he loves me, and would not cheat on me, so its not that I am especially worried. More that I have come to realize that we are both growing as adults, with our jobs, family, and economics as catalysts.

Originally when we started this long-distance, we were relatively stable. Since then my job/field of employment/class status has changed drastically, sometimes multiple times. I have grown into an accomplished member of the upper-middle class who has bright prospects for the near future and the leap into the non-middle class and independence that not many women (much less my age) have a shot at. He is back to the world of a student. Loans in abundance, a boarder with a late-30s woman, in a place that might as well be the barren Arctic tundra.

I am back to coaching and thank god, because if i didn't have that as a distraction, I would be significantly more angry and sad than I already am. I suppose I will just maintain those distractions for the future. As it is, I have lost weight, (although I'm not sure how much because I don't own a scale and don't have time to find one) started swimming on the days that I'm not coaching, and generally attempting to occupy myself, my mind, and every waking moment.

Basically, i am about as lonely as it gets, starting my masters, and functioning as a career-driven, exercise-fueled drone who happens to be pissed that she doesn't have anyone to watch sports with, nor (completely by her own doing) have time to take her suits to the cleaners, much less to get them altered. So I'm walking around in pants that are clearly too big for me.

Recently I found myself left wondering why all my previously significant others are either married or engaged to the next girl they dated after me, but no one ever asked me anything that would put me anywhere near that. Granted, if I wanted to quit my life and move to Raleigh to live with a CEO, I'm pretty sure I would be married in a month, but that’s not happening. Not yet anyway. Does it make me a little uneasy that right after me everyone gets hitched? Yes. Mostly because I can’t explain why them and not me.

Now I know, these all seem like inconsequential things to be concerned with, and yes, they are. However, everyone has their issues. No matter how inconsequential they really are in the broad sweeping scheme of things.