Sizes. Why do they matter?

On Sunday I picked up my friend special-K and we went to the Mall. We had hair appointments and then were going to do some recreational shopping. It was nice, I got the run-down from her date the night before, and a good hair day (no matter how expensive) is always appreciated.

I know this seems like a run of the mill experience, but it is really just the ground work for what happened later.

We shopped until we were satisfied we had spent way too much money, then went back to her place to meet the griz. In our friendships, we have this tradition called "the bin" which happens to be a container in which we deposit clothes we don't want for whatever reason, thereby making them open to all takers. Generally most of the items are given to charity, but this way we get to pick through and help each other. Bear in mind there are extreme body differences between the three of us: special-k is stretching to reach five feet tall size 4-6 (B) that repeatedly has to lop a foot off of her pants, while the griz is about 5'6'' now 6-8 (C). I on the other hand, am around 5'9'' (i think) and sized 12-14 (c). I am at least double their size. I tower. I look like the Rock, preparing to lay the smack down on the populace vs them... skilled jockeys.

I don't usually feel too bad about it, because I have attributes to soften my amazon-ness, blonde hair, blue eyes, and a feminine bone structure. However, both of them were formerly double their size, griz at 14, special-k at 10. Granted, I still play sports and have more muscle than the two of them put together, but that doesn't make me feel any better about anything. The fact remains that I'm a giant. My BMI is 26, putting me into the overweight category, and forcing me to re-evaluation of my size. In real life I'm in pretty good shape, but need to loose some weight.

So, I have started methodically tracking everything I eat and all my exercise. I've been at it about a week, and I've lost 3 lbs. As an athlete, it makes me kinda sad that I have reduced myself to this, when not long ago I prided myself on being able to eat whatever I wanted whenever I wanted it.

Back to the story. The girls insisted on going through the "bin" for me, to see what I could take with me. RIIIIIGHTT..... I said, I don't think that's necessary, I just shopped a ton all day. (my attempt at placating them) Oh, I continued, and I'm sure the charity would like all the clothes they can get, no worries, I'll be fine. Its Tradition! They screeched... and with that the bin was purged, All my self esteem plummeting to the ground with it. They start picking through... oh.. this might fit... oh... she's got big shoulders... just try it... oh.... maybe not.....*sigh*

They weren't intending to make me feel like a cow. They wanted me to find something spectacular for me out of the BIN, but in the process I felt like a life-sized Barbie trying to fit into her doll-sized counterpart's wardrobe. It was scarring. Obviously, or I wouldn't be blogging about it. so. now I feel huge, and would like to cry. did you know that once you loose weight, the daily recommended caloric intake necessary for continuing to loose weight keeps going down? I'm down to like 1,450 calories a day! That's insane. I've been working out just to increase endorphins to deal with the stress of it all. Luckily that means I can squeeze in a bit more food. ugh. I want to cry and never put on clothes again.

It won't be soon before long.

What does that mean Maroon 5? I listened to your interview Adam Levine on the countdown with Ryan Seacrest. Even you couldn't explain it without sounding high.

It wont be soon before long...
If you wait long enough, sooner rather becomes later?

Apparently I haven't done enough drugs to understand the deeper meaning. I still like the cd. It's worth the 4-5 yr hiatus. Complex, it includes flashes-back to the 50s and 70s sounds of begees and temptations. A nice intermingling of old and new lyrics, tying the two albums together. Nice.

I've changed.

Apparently, I've changed.
I think change is one of those things that you never really realize is happening, because you aren't able to remove yourself from the reality. No one actually has time to notice a drastic change in themselves, you are too busy living it.

Right. That fact established, I am sitting at my desk in my office wondering how it all happened. Granted, I work like a crazy person, and have basically lived for my career advancement the past 2 years, but how did I change? I have run into old bosses, co-workers, and kids from high school and college; and all of them have told me that I am DIFFERENT.

Thanks. Different? really?

Every time someone says that to me, I want to scream "ARE YOU KIDDING??" yea, of course I'm different. I'm a boss. I am responsible. I have standing meetings. I have somehow convinced those around me that I deserve to be here and have added value. I personally think its all crap.

I'm negotiating for a new job, and I feel terrible about it. I have been struggling with it for a good two weeks now, trying to decide why I feel like I'm lying every time I write a new negotiation letter, and today I figured it out. I feel like there is no way a 23yr old kid should ever be given as much as I have. I feel like I owe the world big-time for all this opportunity. People my age don't do this... they are going to keggers. They are going to college, grad school, trade, law, working, marrying, and feeding their kids. But not me. I am sitting here worrying that I am severely lacking, and there is no way possible I should be up for this new job, much less negotiating for a bigger package to do it.

This job is the pinnacle of my area of expertise. Its almost solely male-dominated, and known for doing things like firing women for getting pregnant. (not that it is legal, but trust and believe you won't win that lawsuit...) Its a huge deal. prestige out the butt, and here I am thinking, holy shit. There is no way I am smart enough, can write well enough, or even speak clearly enough to do this job. In fact, every time I think about it, the sheer nervous reaction induced warrants curling into the fetal position followed by intense shaking.

Where did I find the audacity to believe I can do this? How can I sit there and jump into something this big? I'm not trained, I slept through most of college, and I don't actually form real thoughts for myself. How can I ever earn respect in this? Who could respect me in this job? I'm twelve years old! Most of my colleges will have staplers older than me.

So, yes, I've changed. Giant tearing skin off of my body changes. I wear suits everyday and drink coffee like its nectar. I speak. In meetings even. I speak up for myself! Jesus, I never would have done that in the past. I interrupt others, who have doctorates from Harvard. How in the world this happened is beyond me. I don't care what people think, and I work all the time? No one would have predicted this.

Picture me in college. Orange hair because I dyed it that way, sporting running shorts a ball cap and a t-shirt, sleeping with one arm moving in a fashion intended to look like note-taking. OMG. I was the girl people hated because she slept through class and didn't care. I am crazy arrogant, and people like that(?). I run for offices, and my campaign speeches consist of...I show up; (because that's all i can honestly say) and people vote for me. I don't make campaign promises, and don't deliver anything extraordinary, but get re-elected. I am that girl that everyone wishes that they could hate, but they can't really nail down a reason to actually do so, and are likely afraid to, because they will be alone. Even the table 9rs won't admit to disliking me. Girls make up terrible rumors: saying that I have STDs, steal, and have sex with any guy and any multiple numbers of them. Yet, no one dares to tell me, because they want me on their side.

Only I never knew any of that. I thought people didn't know me, voted for me because they didn't like the jerk I ran against, and I never wanted to be talked to/much less about. I slept in class because I was tired, my roommate was on drugs and snored like crazy. I didn't know how to interact with girls, and I didn't gossip. My grades sucked in all honesty, my parents got really mad and threatened to take me out of school, so I had to hide my grades every summer. I always came home and worked on breaks, never having a "crazy spring break", and worked two jobs during the year to pay for my family's portion of tuition. I thought people noticed me because I was a giant. I wasn't there a lot because i didn't want forced interaction. I figured if I was a non-entity, I was forgettable. The funniest part about it, was that I thought it actually worked.

I had a few things elucidated for me, now I'm a cynical and perhaps witty bizach. I got screwed at work, now I fight back. I lost friends, and forged on. I realized that as long as I watched out for myself in everything, I could work it all out. I'm hardened, angry, and focused. All of this is the result of dealing with life. I suppose this all shows in my demeanor, but I can't see it. To me its all internal changes. I'm maybe heavier than my younger self, with longer hair in a normal color, but nothing externally.

Outside, I am cool, calm, and collected. No hair out of place, no worries, just focus. Ha. If that is what is coming across I should be an actress, not this job. I don't do things I don't want to, and I don't mince words, because I don't see the point; not because I'm spectacular. I keep busy because I think less, and work better. I guess I grew up. I'm being groomed for lofty heights I don't think are anywhere near possible, but I am determined anyway.

In short, I've got better things to do, and no one is going to beat me out. Some how it translates into jobs on silver platters, and more leave than I will ever dream of using. That doesn't mean that I deserve any of it, just that I happen to walk into the right place at the right time.

I guess I have changed. Not necessarily for the better, but drastically if nothing else. I will always wonder if there was some innate plan for me, but I will never understand it. I guess I will keep going in this path, and hope for the best.